Eccentric, anti-State doctor John Dolittle, who only sees animals, has been targeted by local and Federal officials.
“This guy is a very weird doctor” said a Board of Health spokesman.
He lives with a bunch of animals at his place. He has a chimpanzee, a horse, four alligators, a bear, I don’t know whether it’s black or brown, but that’s not the point and a whole bunch of other animals. We assume none of the animals are house broken. In fact we know it. The neighbors were complaining of a foul “shit-like” odor coming from his place. We went in and god if it wasn’t a shit factory. You know chimpanzees like to throw their poop. There was poop all over the walls, and crap on the floor in every room. Some of it was three or four feet thick. I haven’t seen this much shit since Woodstock. The only thing missing were the annoying hippies.
The Department of Health would have acted sooner but due to a loophole in the laws it is not illegal to animals shit all over your residence.
If a resident wants to live in shit technically there is nothing we can do about it. So we started searching for something we could get him on. So we thought maybe he was violating the civil rights of the bear. I don’t know if it’s a black bear or a brown bear to tell the truth but it is a bear of color and that’s all we needed. So we showed up to see if the bear would like to press charges. But the bear didn’t appear to want to talk. In fact all he did was eat one of our health board members. Then he shit him out. Ironic isn’t it?
Stymied by the bear, whether it was a brown or black bear we don’t know at this point, the State next looked into Doctor Dolittle’s tax records.
“The guy paid all his taxes. All of them” according to an IRS official.
Naturally we were disappointed. This is a very weird guy. Probably conservative. Definitely anti-State so we couldn’t figure out why he was paying all his taxes. None of us do. Then again we are Democrats and the rules do not apply to us. This guy is a freak.
Finally Doctor Dolittle’s political beliefs were looked into.
“We examined his Facebook page and found out that he opposes gay marriage” said an FBI agent.
That’s when we knew we had the anti-State bastard dead in our sights and we could destroy him. The power to tax is the power to destroy as Daniel Webster said. We immediately fined him 50,000 dollars and told him we would double the fine every week until he started treated gay, married bears. Brown bears or black bears it doesn’t matter as long as he treated them.
Doctor Dolittle has refused to pay the fine and warns State officials that any attempt to enter his house again will have consequences.
“I have some chimpanzees and you know how they like to throw poop. And I have a bear, I don’t know whether it’s a brown bear or a black bear, who likes to eat people who work for the State.”