Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse Killed by Chauncey Frog!

Never again will these two protect civilians in Empire City!

Intrepid local crime fighters Courageous Cat and his sidekick Minute Mouse were killed today by their arch-nemesis Chauncey Frog.

“It happened so fast” said an eye witness.

Courageous and his life partner Minute Mouse had just stepped out of the Cat Mobile when Chauncey Frog approached holding a vacuum cleaner. He turned it on and when that happened Courageous Cat freaked out. He just freaked out and started hissing and meowing. Minute Mouse tried to calm him down but to no avail.

As Courageous cat lost his cool Chauncey the Frog (pictured here)

Criminal mastermind and cat killer

continued to taunt him with the vacuum cleaner.  “Yeah, look at the intrepid crime fighter now. Frightened by a vacuum cleaner. Yeah. Frightened!” he kept saying.

Oddly enough witnesses report that Chauncey the Frog sounded just like Edward G. Robinson.

“I closed my eyes and damn if he didn’t sound like him” said another witness.

So I approached him and asked him if he liked to eat soylent green. That’s when he yelled at me to leave him alone, he was busy finalizing his master plan to bring down his arch enemies. So I left him alone.  Besides I wanted to watch.  Lots of people in Empire City do not like Courageous Cat or Minute Mouse. Punks. So high and mighty and self-righteous and all that family values shit. But everyone knew they were lovers.

As Courageous Cat ran back to the Cat Mobile and continued hissing Chauncey Frog began part two of his master plan to kill them both. He brought forth an elephant that had been laid off from Ringling Brothers and showed him Minute Mouse.

The elephant reared up and stomped Minute Mouse to death.

“The bro just stomped on him” according to a tourist who happened upon the scene.

It was awesome! I mean Minute Mouse didn’t have a chance. He didn’t even have time to let out a scream it was so quick. All that was left was some pulpy tissue. It splattered all over the place. I got some in my eye. It looked like a piece of intestine. Now I think my eye is infected. I’m talking to my lawyer. I think I have a lawsuit.

Still hovering in the Cat Mobile and distracted by the vaccum cleaner Courageous Cat didn’t notice the elephant, who after squishing Minute Mouse to death attacked the Cat Mobile, wrapping it around his trunk and throwing it down the block.

Courageous Cat was thrown from the vehicle, hitting a traffic light which beheaded him. His head ended up a block away from his torso, the intervening ground filled with entrails.

His master plan accomplished, Chauncey Frog took out a cigar and started puffing away.

“I haven’t been this happy since I started taking Super Beta Max and my stream got stronger” he told those standing nearby.

Empire City police have no plans to charge Chauncey Frog with any crime.

“Being in possession of a vacuum cleaner and an elephant is not against the law. Besides, we also hated Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse” said Empire City’s police chief.

(178)

Two-Bit Hollywood Actress Worried About Mass Insanity or Something; Also, Sexism!!

I worry about stuff because I’m compassionate!

Actress Jessica Chastain has said in a recent interview that she fears for the sanity of America with Donald Trump as President.

“Once society reflects the values of the president this will happen” said the actress, who was standing on the street corner hoping to be recognized.

I know this for a fact. I took a course in sociology at community college so I know what I am talking about.  Good people will become insane. Do you know what I mean. I believe energy is contagious. This is my core belief. That and using 100-watt lightbulbs causes sea levels to rise. Or was it high-flush toilets cause sea levels to rise? I can’t remember offhand. Perhaps it’s both.

Still standing on a street corner and still not being recognized by anyone, the slightly famous, her name is almost on the tip of one’s tongue actress warmed to her theories.

People are taking their freedoms for granted, young people who are asleep in terms of women’s health care and female reproductive freedom. I hope they are waking up. I’m absolutely worried that if we don’t support Planned Parenthood poor women won’t be able to afford abortions. And poor children cause sea levels to rise so we have to stop poor women from giving birth to poor children. Rich women like me giving birth doesn’t cause sea levels to rise since I can always buy some carbon credits. Poor women can’t do that. That’s why we have to abort their children. So these three, 100-watt lightbulbs, high-flush toilets and poor children cause sea levels to rise. And I don’t want sea levels to rise because I don’t want a bunch of drowned poor babies who couldn’t afford flotation devices littering my beachfront property.

The still unrecognized by the crowd semi-famous actress then removed her blouse and bra and wrote “Hi I’m Jessica Chastain” in magic marker across her chest.

Sexism is a bad thing. I’m not sure if sexism causes sea levels to rise but it wouldn’t surprise me. I have personally experienced plenty of sexism in Hollywood. The casting couch does exist. I remember once as I was naked on the couch and was servicing about six different producers thinking to myself, “This is sexism. This is wrong.” And that’s why I didn’t swallow. I reserve swallowing for Democrats who believe that 100-watt lightbulbs, high-flush toilets and poor babies cause sea levels to rise. It’s a pleasure servicing fellow Democrats who believe like I do.

The not quite recognized not quite famous actress then allowed passerby to touch her breasts, but only if they believed in climate change caused by 100-watt lightbulbs, high-flush toilets and excess poor babies who haven’t been aborted.

Remember, I’m Jessica Chastain and touching my breasts does not cause global warming like 100-watt lightbulbs, high-flush toilets and tons of dead poor babies littering my private beach.

The unrecognized actress then put her bra and blouse back on before stepping into a puddle.

“Oh my god! Look at this water in the street! Don’t tell me sea levels aren’t rising!”

(48)

Caitlyn Jenner to Horrify Entire World!

The horror! The horror!

Caitlyn Jenner has announced plans to horrify the entire world with a full frontal nude photo shoot showing off her surgically transformed body.

“The surgery was a success and I want everyone to see” she told reporters.

I feel very, very excited that people will be looking at me naked. When I was first approached to pose nude I leaped at the chance. I find it very exciting that people will be looking at me naked. People will be looking at my new female genitalia. All of me. Every bit of my 70 year old body from my head to my toes will be naked. I can’t wait until the pictures are released.

Indeed the photo shoot has already taken place and I had the opportunity to sit down with the photographer.

MI: How did you get this photo shoot?

Photographer:We drew straws. I lost. I also have the strongest stomach so I guess it was always going to be me.

MI: How did the session go?

Photographer: Caitlyn showed up and took off all her clothes. She seemed quite eager for all of us to see her naked. Then she laid down and spread her legs. I heard a creaking noise and asked what it was. 

MI: What was it?

Photographer: She looked at me and said, “Relax. That’s just my surgically inverted penis that is my new vagina. It has no natural lubrication so it’s very dry. Seriously it’s drier than the Sahara and that sometimes causes painful intercourse.” She then asked me to use a dropper to lubricate her. “Just a few drops. Just stick it right in and lube it up.”

Note: As a service to my readers I have included an artist’s representation of lubrication being applied to Caitlyn Jenner’s vagina. 

An artist’s representation of Caitlyn Jenner’s surgically inverted penis being lubricated

Photographer: I mean. Just the thought. Oh god I’m going to be sick.

MI: There’s a bucket over there.

[The photographer runs to the bucket and spends the next five minutes vomiting]

MI: Feel better?

Photographer: No. I will never feel better again. Can I hold onto the bucket?

MI: Sure. So what happened next?

Photographer: I took photos of her naked body. Her 70-year old naked body and her surgically inverted penis. Oh god, here I go again – 

[The photographer vomits into the bucket he is holding]

MI: How was Caitlyn during the shoot? Nervous?

Photographer: No. She was eager. She kept telling me how excited she will be to show everyone her surgically inverted penis.

MI:  So what’s next for you?

Photographer: I’m having my eyes removed. I can’t live any longer with what I’ve seen.

From Hollywood Caitlyn’s ex, Kris Jenner, has expressed dismay at the photo shoot.

“I don’t want strangers looking at my ex-husband’s vagina. Only I can do that. Isn’t anything sacred anymore?”

(12)

Four Old Men to Reunite to Protest Trump and Bring Back the Spirit of the ’60s But Mainly to Protest the Evil That is Trump and We Should Care About This Because These Four Old Men Are Still Hip and Relevant!

We hate Donald Trump! And enlarged prostates!

For those who wish the ’60s never ended hope is on the way.  Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young have announced that they might possibly reunite and tour because of their shared hatred of Donald Trump.

“If there is one thing I hate more than anything it’s Donald Trump” said Graham Nash.

He’s an idiot and a child and an asshole and a rapist. And decent, righteous multimillionaires such as myself cannot allow him to destroy our beachfront property with his war on everything decent. America is about freedom. And by that I mean the freedom to conform to the spirit of the ’60s. And by the spirit of the ’60s I mean smoking lots of dope and protesting the Vietnam war. The South Vietnamese people are suffering under capitalism. All they want is to live under the pure form of communism that Ho Chi Minh has set up in the north. I bet Trump will invade Vietnam because that’s what rapists do!

Fellow band member Stephen Stills seconded Nash’s sentiments.

If it’s one thing I have always stood for it’s the spirit of the ’60s. And noticeable weight gain. And by that I mean free love. Lot’s of free love. You know I slept with Linda McCartney before Paul did. She was Linda Eastman then and just a groupie. But I did her. I think that’s why Paul stopped speaking to me. That and I destroyed his Hofner violin bass guitar. Hey, I was so coked up I though the bass was a capitalist pig oppressing the poor peoples of South Vietnam. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Trump. He’s so opposed to the spirit of the ’60s man! And by that I mean – what? I already said that? Sorry my memory isn’t what it used to be. I blame the syphilis. You know. From all the free love man.

David Crosby, while not speaking to Nash or Neil Young was not unopposed to a reunion to protest Trump.

Trump man. He’s evil. I was drug free until he got elected. Then I was forced to start snorting coke again. I mean it’s difficult since my nasal cavities have collapsed from all the coke I did in the 60s. And ’70s. And ’80s. And ’90s. And the 2000s. So I inject the coke directly into my bloodstream. I wish I had done that in the ’60s man. But I was too busy injecting heroin to have time to inject cocaine. But what was I saying?  Trump man. I have such an large hatred for him. Almost as large as my prostate. Does anyone know where I can get some Super Beta Prostate?

And finally Neil Young expressed excitement about the reunion.

What? You’ll have to speak up. I misplaced my hearing aide. I’m reuniting with who? The Who? But how can I reunite with Townsend and Daltrey? I’ve never worked with them before. What?  I told you to speak up. Nash? Odgen Nash? Never worked with him either.  I’m going back inside the house to urinate but when I come back I want you off my lawn! Where the hell did I leave my Super Beta Prostate? I bet you that bastard David Crosby stole it.

The reunion tour, dubbed “The Spirit of the ’60s lives and Something Bad About Trump”  will begin in September. Shows will last for two hours with a bathroom break every 15 minutes.

(16)

Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (Stage Name Bill de Blasio) Wins Coveted Endorsement of People for Returning New York City to the Shithole it was in the 1970s; Reelection by Landslide All But Inevitable

Our socialist mayor, still redistributing the shitty quality of life

Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) today picked up a key endorsement from the People for Returning New York City to the Shithole it was in the 1970s.

“I think this endorsement is not just for me but for all New Yorkers and it justifies what I have been trying to do the last four years” said the mayor.

When I first ran for mayor New York had been going through a historic 20 year run of low crime and murder rates. In other words, typical achievements the elite Republicans would be proud of. But I am a man of the people, even if I did build a wall around Gracie Mansion to protect my privacy. But that’s neither here nor there. As a young man I fell in love with the glories of socialism and that’s what I want to bring to our great city. With crime rising, homeless living in the streets again and subways inundated with graffiti,  crime and guitar-playing Mexicans I am merely redistributing the quality of life. In other words I am bringing the benefits of a socialist workers’ paradise to New York.

Standing alongside the mayor when he accepted the endorsement was the Vice President of the People for Returning New York City to the Shithole it was in the 1970s.

I want to thank the mayor for all he has done for our city. I only wish the President of the People for Returning New York City to the Shithole it was in the 1970s could be here. Unfortunately he was shot last night but is expected to make a full recovery. And if he weren’t in a coma I’m sure he’d want to be here right now. You know last year when I tripped over a homeless man sleeping by the front door to my building I knew that we were on the right track.  Soon our beloved city will once again be the authentic, edgy, crime-ridden shithole it was in the ’70s. It’s been a long road back from middle class sterility but we are making strides.  Why as I was riding the subway to this ceremony I had four separate groups of Mexicans with guitars asking me for money. I was then robbed, beaten and sodomized. It was so authentic and ’70s-like. The only difference is that I recorded my attack and uploaded it to youtube.

Still despite New York’s recent decline not all are happy with de Blasio.  The People for Returning New York City to the Shithole it was in the 1860s have withheld an endorsement.

“Look at all we have still have” said their Vice President.

Indoor plumbing, a board of health, paved streets and look at what we don’t have! No rioting Irish! That’s the most important thing. The president of our group is out at the moment trying to round up some Irish for a riot. I hope he is successful. And until we have a three-day riot where the Irish burn Manhattan to the ground we will be withholding our endorsement.

Despite not getting their endorsement, a landslide reelection for Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) seems all but assured.

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Differentially-Abled Bell Ringer of Notre Dame Resents Your White Privilege!

I resent your white privilege!

Quasimodo the hideously deformed bell ringer of Notre Dame Cathedral has announced on his Facebook page that he “resents your white privilege” and that he will not ring any more bells since the cathedral bells “symbolize the triumph of the white elite.”

“I am a man and I will no longer do the will of my masters” said Quasimodo.

The white people are afraid of me. They see my deformed body, my hump and my giant wart that covers my left eye and that’s all they see. White people are so shallow. I am much more than what they see. I’m kind to animals and I’m good at math. I can calculate the sine, cosine and tangent of any number. Yeah, I spend a lot of time alone reading.

Having laid out the basics of his resentment, Quasimodo then went on to detail specifically the reasons for his feelings.

They call me Quasimodo. That is not my name. That is a white name. A symbol of whiteness. It comes from Quasimodo Sunday. Well I am not white. I am a gypsy. I come from a tribe of gypsies. And I will no longer answer to my slave name. From now I will only answer to “Prince Rogers Nelson.”  I don’t know if that is my true name but it has a gypsy ring to it. And why not call myself a prince? All gypsies are descended from royalty. And get someone to ring your f*cking bells for you. No more. I demand a job worthy of my talents. Perhaps as an usher or a Time Warner cable technician. Though I understand they are now called Spectrum.

As for his physical appearance, Quasimodo, aka Prince Rogers Nelson, has plans to alter it.

I have pretty good health insurance through the Church so I’m hoping to get that giant wart over my left eye removed sometime soon. I don’t know what they can do about the hump but I’m told that yoga sometimes helps. I’ve already bought a yoga mat and signed up for some classes. I must say I don’t look half bad in yoga pants. I got quite the package if you know what I mean.

He has also been contacted by Brian Kelly, the head coach of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, about playing for his team.

He called me up, said he saw me when he was in France and that I have a defensive tackle’s body. I don’t know anything about football. Is it anything like soccer? Where is Indiana? I suppose I can look it up on a map. But Kelly said all I have to do is pass a physical and then “run people over like a motherf*cker” which is something I’ve wanted to do for years. He also said that if I was successful at football I’d be getting “lots of p*ssy on campus.”

Not that he cares about getting tons of p*ssy on campus.

“There is only one woman for me” he said. “Esmeralda. I just wish she would accept my friend request.”

(42)

Aaron Hernandez Commits Suicide, Upset Over Trump Victory; Blames Hillary’s Loss on Rampant American Sexism!

There is only one explanation for Hillary’s loss: Sexism!

Former NFL star and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez was found dead in his jail cell Wednesday morning of an apparent suicide.

Those close to Hernandez claim that the convicted murderer was “shocked and stunned” by Trump’s victory last November and that it set him into a “tailspin of depression” that he never fully recovered from.

“His first year and a half in prison he was very happy” said a family friend who often visited him.

He was helping fellow prisoners, teaching them to read and write. He had started a children’s after school program where prison guards would bring their children and he would read to them. He often interceded to prevent gang violence in jail. “If there’s one thing I hate it’s violence” he told me. He would visit sick inmates and clean their bedpans. But all that changed when Trump won.

On the night of the election, Hernandez, wearing his pussy hat, paced his cell, dismayed by the increasingly bad news for Clinton.

“What the hell is wrong with America” he told anyone who would listen.

This is our chance to prove to the rest of the world that we are not chauvinistic savages. If it’s one thing I care about it’s women’s rights. And here we are electing a p*ssy grabber. How does that happen? I am ashamed to be an American tonight.

After the anger of election night passed Hernandez slipped into a deep depression.

“He stopped reading to our children” said a prison guard.

He stopped mediating gang conflicts. He no longer seemed to care. He even stopped masturbating by rubbing his penis between his mattress and the steel bed spring. One thing we as prison guards are taught to look out for is when an inmate ceases his masturbatory activity. Because once self-pleasuring stops suicide usually follows. Actually that applies not just to prisoners but to everyone.  That’s why I’ve started a masturbation group. For the prison guards’ mental well-being.

After being acquitted of an unrelated double murder last week Hernandez’ lawyer became concerned that he wasn’t happier.

“I thought he would be celebrating not being found guilty of that” he said.

But no. The old twinkle in his eye was gone. Instead he looked right at me and said “What does it matter?  We have a patriarchal, sexist madman in the White House. Hillary is not president and women’s rights have been pushed back a century! I haven’t been this upset since I shot Odin Lloyd in the head.”

From Hell Satan welcomed Hernandez.

“I can’t tell you how happy I am to have him” said the Father of Lies.

With him on our football team we are guaranteed to win a championship.  I understand that OJ will be down here soon as well. I’ve been patient these past 20 years but I could really use a running back like that.

When asked if having Hernandez on Hell’s football team would finally heal the wound of being expelled from Heaven, Satan responded that it was a good start.

“I won’t be truly happy until Hillary is president. I just wish Americans weren’t so damn sexist.”

(29)

Costly Error Sinks Yankees on Cold Night in The Bronx!

“The Yankees have won eight in a row. Obviously they are getting help from the Russians” ~ MSNBC

The sun goes down in the Bronx

Having won eight in a row the Yankees continued their series against the Chicago White Sox. The Yankees started Luis Severino (1-1 4.05) and the Sox started Miguel Gonzalez (2-0 2.84).

It was old-fashioned baseball at its finest: A fast-moving pitcher’s duel that lasted only two hours and fifteen minutes.

The White Sox scored first in the top of the third when center fielder Leury Garcia homered into the Yankee bullpen.  1-0 Chicago after 2 1/2 innings.

Both starters continued to pitch effectively and economically into the seventh. Severino had only given up one hit, the home run by Garcia when Tim Anderson led off the 7th with a single. The next batter, former Yankee and steroid cheat Melky Cabrera hit what should have been an easy 6-4-3 double play.  However Yankee shortstop Pete Kozma (soon to be sent back to the minors) muffed the ball. Everyone safe. The next batter, Jose Abreu attempted a bunt and popped up to the catcher. And then the killer moment:  Avisail Garcia hit a three-run home run.  4-0 White Sox after 6 1/2.

The Yankees avoided the shut out when with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth Starlin Castro walked, forcing home Chase Headley.  However the White Sox closer, former Yankee David Robertson closed the door.

Final score White Sox 4 Yankees 1.

Notes on the game:

In the celebrity watch Matthew Broderick was at the game. His wife Sarah Jessica Parker (pictured here)

Noted glamorous Hollywood beauty Sarah Jessica Parker

was not at the stadium, having been borrowed by the NYPD mounted unit.

Late night host Jimmy Fallon was also in attendance. He left early. Presumably to find cheaper alcohol than the 12 dollar beers at Yankee stadium.

Best heckle of the game:  I tried but my heckle of “Calgary: Unable to detect Rio Grande table in EBDA – Bailing!” did not fire up the crowd.  Damn Linux ignorant savages!

Recommended reading material:

Linux Professional Institute Certification Study Guide by Roderick W. Smith.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “How can I set up a chroot jail?”

That’s a good question. First you have to create a file structure within a single directory that is owned by the root. Next you will have to copy all of the dependencies into that jail. The next step is to restrict file permissions on the files in the jail as much as possible. Once everything is set up and ready to go, you will need to manually chdir to the jailed directory, then chroot into the new environment. Last but not least, you will need gracefully release permissions by appropriately setting the UID of the executable to a non-root user.  Got that?

C.H.E of humid, mold-filled Florida writes, “I find men who can speak technically about the Linux operating system very sexy.”

You know I get that all the time. You just want me for my mind. I am more than just an engineer with computer knowledge. I have a body too. And dammit I am tired of not being used!

M.P.A. of Maryland writes. “I am a Windows girl myself.”

When I rise to power people like you shall be herded into camps and re-educated.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I don’t know much about Linux. I’m drunk. I’ve lost my pants and I don’t know what’s happening.”

Are you sure you’re not a Linux admin? You sound like many I know.

And so my record stands at 1-1 this year. My next game would have been Sunday, April 30th against the Baltimore Orioles but your humble correspondent will be working that day. The next game I will be able to attend will be Thursday, May 11th against the Houston Astros.

Go Yankees.

My scorecard from the game:

Evidence of a Yankee loss

(24)

After United Airlines Incident Other Airlines Struggle to Compete!

Fly with us. Snacks and bearings are complimentary

After footage when viral last week of United Airlines forcibly beating and removing a passenger from one of its flights other airlines have decided to follow suit.

“When we saw the video we were all like ‘F*ck why didn’t we think of this?’ “ said a spokesman for Delta.

I mean I’ve heard of some pretty inventive marketing campaigns but this takes the cake. Beating people and dragging them off the plane? Genius. So our marketing people got together and started brainstorming. How can we top what United did? We noticed that when they were beating up that guy the didn’t give him any snacks. So we have started a snacks and beating program.  All passengers who have over 1000 points will be beaten mercilessly. Also as they lose consciousness chips will be inserted into their mouth. Complimentary chips. I think this will leave United in the dust.

A spokesman for American Airlines said that they weren’t worried about Delta’s beating of a passenger and that they have a plan to outdo them.

The beating was good. But it was just a beginning. One of our favorite movies is Marathon Man. So starting next week we will be torturing our flyers with dental tools while asking them if it’s safe yet. You see we care about our customers and this way we will be giving them a flight and instead of a movie, a live reenactment of a famous movie scene. But we don’t want you to think that we at Delta are sadists. We will only torture our customers until they pass out from the blood loss. We only ask that they remain in their seats while the bloodletting is being done.

JetBlue announced that they will be starting “Anal Rape Fridays.”

“That guy being beaten on the United Flight looked like he was on pain” said JetBlue representative.

So that got us to thinking. How can we inflict greater pain on our flyers? It is then when we hit upon the idea of anal sex. Yes, we will be performing anal sex on our passengers. And you want pain?  Forget about lube. That’s right. No lube. You will be in pain. You will be screaming. Thank you for flying JetBlue.

Alaska Airlines will be adding black bears to all its flights.

“Big, hungry distempered bears who will tear you to shreads” said Alaska Airlines president.

They will tear you to shreds, eat you and spit you out. Top that United. I dare you! And once they eat you and spit you out the bear gets a complimentary drink. It’s the least we can do.

Not to be outdone by the other carriers FedEx Express also plans to join the competition.

“Sure we don’t have human cargo” said a FedEx spokesman

But that doesn’t mean we can’t get into the pain business. We have directed all our planes to fly low and dump their waste onto people. That’s right. We are going to crap all over you. You know you want it. Bitch.

It does seem that flyers will be in for more exciting flights in the future.

(26)

My Exclusive Interview with Caitlyn Jenner’s Former Male Reproductive Organ

I feel liberated

Former Olympic decathlon winner, former reality show TV star and former man Caitlyn Jenner has finally completed the transition to a female by having his penis removed.

I was lucky to have the former Olympic decathlon winner’s, former reality TV star’s and former man’s penis sit down with me for his first “post-divorce” interview.

MI: Good afternoon. It’s a pleasure to have you here. What do I call you?

CJFP: Dick will do.

MI: Okay Dick. Tell me, how are you adjusting to the divorce?

CJFP: It’s been difficult. Bruce, I mean Caitlyn, and I were together for 70 years. 

MI: That’s a long time to be in a relationship.

CJFP: I know. We were made for each other. Literally.

MI: Now let’s talk about Caitlyn. She has been quoted as saying that she feels liberated. Let me read you her exact quote:  “It’s just a penis. It has no special gifts or use for me other than what I have said before, the ability to take a whiz in the woods. I am also tired of tucking the damn thing in all the time.”  How does that make you feel?

CJFP: I’m hurt obviously. I thought I was so much more to her. Just a penis? Tired of tucking it in?  After all I’ve done for her? That really hurts me.

MI: Have you spoken to Caitlyn since the, er, separation?

CJFP: No. She is dead to me. She doesn’t respect me. She doesn’t respect the penis. And if no respect is shown this penis doesn’t return respect.

MI: A valid point.

CJFP: And that’s just the tip.  Sorry, just a little penis humor. I mean not little as in little penis I mean little as in humor.

MI: Yes I know. So what’s next for you?

CJFP: I’m looking for a new place to hang my hat, so to speak. I’ve had some feelers. If Caitlyn doesn’t want me there are plenty who do. Chaz Bono called me and wanted to know if I would like to get together.

MI: Cher’s son who used to be her daughter?

CJFP: Yes. But I turned him down. Dude’s freaking ugly. Fugly. I have too much to offer to be with her. It’s a step down.

MI: I was going to suggest that. You are after all the former penis of a former man who once won the Olympic decathlon. That must be a lot of pressure..

CJFP: Not really. There are lots of myths about penises like me. I’m just like every other penis. I store my semen one gonad at a time.

MI: So you’re a humble dick?

CJFP: I like to think so. You have to stay humble because if you don’t the next thing you’re not working properly. And that can be embarrassing.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have. It’s been a pleasure talking to you.

CJFP: So we’re done?

MI: We’re done.

CJFP: Oh god….oh god….oh god…..I’m done.

MI: Eww.

CJFP: Hey, I’m a dick. What can I say? Dick’s gotta do what a dick’s gotta do.

I thank Caitlyn Jenner’s former penis for meeting with me. Anyone know a good dry cleaner?

(58)