Fly with us. Snacks and bearings are complimentary

After footage when viral last week of United Airlines forcibly beating and removing a passenger from one of its flights other airlines have decided to follow suit.

“When we saw the video we were all like ‘F*ck why didn’t we think of this?’ “ said a spokesman for Delta.

I mean I’ve heard of some pretty inventive marketing campaigns but this takes the cake. Beating people and dragging them off the plane? Genius. So our marketing people got together and started brainstorming. How can we top what United did? We noticed that when they were beating up that guy the didn’t give him any snacks. So we have started a snacks and beating program.  All passengers who have over 1000 points will be beaten mercilessly. Also as they lose consciousness chips will be inserted into their mouth. Complimentary chips. I think this will leave United in the dust.

A spokesman for American Airlines said that they weren’t worried about Delta’s beating of a passenger and that they have a plan to outdo them.

The beating was good. But it was just a beginning. One of our favorite movies is Marathon Man. So starting next week we will be torturing our flyers with dental tools while asking them if it’s safe yet. You see we care about our customers and this way we will be giving them a flight and instead of a movie, a live reenactment of a famous movie scene. But we don’t want you to think that we at Delta are sadists. We will only torture our customers until they pass out from the blood loss. We only ask that they remain in their seats while the bloodletting is being done.

JetBlue announced that they will be starting “Anal Rape Fridays.”

“That guy being beaten on the United Flight looked like he was on pain” said JetBlue representative.

So that got us to thinking. How can we inflict greater pain on our flyers? It is then when we hit upon the idea of anal sex. Yes, we will be performing anal sex on our passengers. And you want pain?  Forget about lube. That’s right. No lube. You will be in pain. You will be screaming. Thank you for flying JetBlue.

Alaska Airlines will be adding black bears to all its flights.

“Big, hungry distempered bears who will tear you to shreads” said Alaska Airlines president.

They will tear you to shreds, eat you and spit you out. Top that United. I dare you! And once they eat you and spit you out the bear gets a complimentary drink. It’s the least we can do.

Not to be outdone by the other carriers FedEx Express also plans to join the competition.

“Sure we don’t have human cargo” said a FedEx spokesman

But that doesn’t mean we can’t get into the pain business. We have directed all our planes to fly low and dump their waste onto people. That’s right. We are going to crap all over you. You know you want it. Bitch.

It does seem that flyers will be in for more exciting flights in the future.

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