Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) today picked up a key endorsement from the People for Returning New York City to the Shithole it was in the 1970s.
“I think this endorsement is not just for me but for all New Yorkers and it justifies what I have been trying to do the last four years” said the mayor.
When I first ran for mayor New York had been going through a historic 20 year run of low crime and murder rates. In other words, typical achievements the elite Republicans would be proud of. But I am a man of the people, even if I did build a wall around Gracie Mansion to protect my privacy. But that’s neither here nor there. As a young man I fell in love with the glories of socialism and that’s what I want to bring to our great city. With crime rising, homeless living in the streets again and subways inundated with graffiti, crime and guitar-playing Mexicans I am merely redistributing the quality of life. In other words I am bringing the benefits of a socialist workers’ paradise to New York.
Standing alongside the mayor when he accepted the endorsement was the Vice President of the People for Returning New York City to the Shithole it was in the 1970s.
I want to thank the mayor for all he has done for our city. I only wish the President of the People for Returning New York City to the Shithole it was in the 1970s could be here. Unfortunately he was shot last night but is expected to make a full recovery. And if he weren’t in a coma I’m sure he’d want to be here right now. You know last year when I tripped over a homeless man sleeping by the front door to my building I knew that we were on the right track. Soon our beloved city will once again be the authentic, edgy, crime-ridden shithole it was in the ’70s. It’s been a long road back from middle class sterility but we are making strides. Why as I was riding the subway to this ceremony I had four separate groups of Mexicans with guitars asking me for money. I was then robbed, beaten and sodomized. It was so authentic and ’70s-like. The only difference is that I recorded my attack and uploaded it to youtube.
Still despite New York’s recent decline not all are happy with de Blasio. The People for Returning New York City to the Shithole it was in the 1860s have withheld an endorsement.
“Look at all we have still have” said their Vice President.
Indoor plumbing, a board of health, paved streets and look at what we don’t have! No rioting Irish! That’s the most important thing. The president of our group is out at the moment trying to round up some Irish for a riot. I hope he is successful. And until we have a three-day riot where the Irish burn Manhattan to the ground we will be withholding our endorsement.
Despite not getting their endorsement, a landslide reelection for Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) seems all but assured.