Quasimodo the hideously deformed bell ringer of Notre Dame Cathedral has announced on his Facebook page that he “resents your white privilege” and that he will not ring any more bells since the cathedral bells “symbolize the triumph of the white elite.”
“I am a man and I will no longer do the will of my masters” said Quasimodo.
The white people are afraid of me. They see my deformed body, my hump and my giant wart that covers my left eye and that’s all they see. White people are so shallow. I am much more than what they see. I’m kind to animals and I’m good at math. I can calculate the sine, cosine and tangent of any number. Yeah, I spend a lot of time alone reading.
Having laid out the basics of his resentment, Quasimodo then went on to detail specifically the reasons for his feelings.
They call me Quasimodo. That is not my name. That is a white name. A symbol of whiteness. It comes from Quasimodo Sunday. Well I am not white. I am a gypsy. I come from a tribe of gypsies. And I will no longer answer to my slave name. From now I will only answer to “Prince Rogers Nelson.” I don’t know if that is my true name but it has a gypsy ring to it. And why not call myself a prince? All gypsies are descended from royalty. And get someone to ring your f*cking bells for you. No more. I demand a job worthy of my talents. Perhaps as an usher or a Time Warner cable technician. Though I understand they are now called Spectrum.
As for his physical appearance, Quasimodo, aka Prince Rogers Nelson, has plans to alter it.
I have pretty good health insurance through the Church so I’m hoping to get that giant wart over my left eye removed sometime soon. I don’t know what they can do about the hump but I’m told that yoga sometimes helps. I’ve already bought a yoga mat and signed up for some classes. I must say I don’t look half bad in yoga pants. I got quite the package if you know what I mean.
He has also been contacted by Brian Kelly, the head coach of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, about playing for his team.
He called me up, said he saw me when he was in France and that I have a defensive tackle’s body. I don’t know anything about football. Is it anything like soccer? Where is Indiana? I suppose I can look it up on a map. But Kelly said all I have to do is pass a physical and then “run people over like a motherf*cker” which is something I’ve wanted to do for years. He also said that if I was successful at football I’d be getting “lots of p*ssy on campus.”
Not that he cares about getting tons of p*ssy on campus.
“There is only one woman for me” he said. “Esmeralda. I just wish she would accept my friend request.”