Former Olympic decathlon winner, former reality show TV star and former man Caitlyn Jenner has finally completed the transition to a female by having his penis removed.
I was lucky to have the former Olympic decathlon winner’s, former reality TV star’s and former man’s penis sit down with me for his first “post-divorce” interview.
MI: Good afternoon. It’s a pleasure to have you here. What do I call you?
CJFP: Dick will do.
MI: Okay Dick. Tell me, how are you adjusting to the divorce?
CJFP: It’s been difficult. Bruce, I mean Caitlyn, and I were together for 70 years.
MI: That’s a long time to be in a relationship.
CJFP: I know. We were made for each other. Literally.
MI: Now let’s talk about Caitlyn. She has been quoted as saying that she feels liberated. Let me read you her exact quote: “It’s just a penis. It has no special gifts or use for me other than what I have said before, the ability to take a whiz in the woods. I am also tired of tucking the damn thing in all the time.” How does that make you feel?
CJFP: I’m hurt obviously. I thought I was so much more to her. Just a penis? Tired of tucking it in? After all I’ve done for her? That really hurts me.
MI: Have you spoken to Caitlyn since the, er, separation?
CJFP: No. She is dead to me. She doesn’t respect me. She doesn’t respect the penis. And if no respect is shown this penis doesn’t return respect.
MI: A valid point.
CJFP: And that’s just the tip. Sorry, just a little penis humor. I mean not little as in little penis I mean little as in humor.
MI: Yes I know. So what’s next for you?
CJFP: I’m looking for a new place to hang my hat, so to speak. I’ve had some feelers. If Caitlyn doesn’t want me there are plenty who do. Chaz Bono called me and wanted to know if I would like to get together.
MI: Cher’s son who used to be her daughter?
CJFP: Yes. But I turned him down. Dude’s freaking ugly. Fugly. I have too much to offer to be with her. It’s a step down.
MI: I was going to suggest that. You are after all the former penis of a former man who once won the Olympic decathlon. That must be a lot of pressure..
CJFP: Not really. There are lots of myths about penises like me. I’m just like every other penis. I store my semen one gonad at a time.
MI: So you’re a humble dick?
CJFP: I like to think so. You have to stay humble because if you don’t the next thing you’re not working properly. And that can be embarrassing.
MI: Well that’s about all the time we have. It’s been a pleasure talking to you.
CJFP: So we’re done?
MI: We’re done.
CJFP: Oh god….oh god….oh god…..I’m done.
CJFP: Hey, I’m a dick. What can I say? Dick’s gotta do what a dick’s gotta do.
I thank Caitlyn Jenner’s former penis for meeting with me. Anyone know a good dry cleaner?