Former NFL star and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez was found dead in his jail cell Wednesday morning of an apparent suicide.
Those close to Hernandez claim that the convicted murderer was “shocked and stunned” by Trump’s victory last November and that it set him into a “tailspin of depression” that he never fully recovered from.
“His first year and a half in prison he was very happy” said a family friend who often visited him.
He was helping fellow prisoners, teaching them to read and write. He had started a children’s after school program where prison guards would bring their children and he would read to them. He often interceded to prevent gang violence in jail. “If there’s one thing I hate it’s violence” he told me. He would visit sick inmates and clean their bedpans. But all that changed when Trump won.
On the night of the election, Hernandez, wearing his pussy hat, paced his cell, dismayed by the increasingly bad news for Clinton.
“What the hell is wrong with America” he told anyone who would listen.
This is our chance to prove to the rest of the world that we are not chauvinistic savages. If it’s one thing I care about it’s women’s rights. And here we are electing a p*ssy grabber. How does that happen? I am ashamed to be an American tonight.
After the anger of election night passed Hernandez slipped into a deep depression.
“He stopped reading to our children” said a prison guard.
He stopped mediating gang conflicts. He no longer seemed to care. He even stopped masturbating by rubbing his penis between his mattress and the steel bed spring. One thing we as prison guards are taught to look out for is when an inmate ceases his masturbatory activity. Because once self-pleasuring stops suicide usually follows. Actually that applies not just to prisoners but to everyone. That’s why I’ve started a masturbation group. For the prison guards’ mental well-being.
After being acquitted of an unrelated double murder last week Hernandez’ lawyer became concerned that he wasn’t happier.
“I thought he would be celebrating not being found guilty of that” he said.
But no. The old twinkle in his eye was gone. Instead he looked right at me and said “What does it matter? We have a patriarchal, sexist madman in the White House. Hillary is not president and women’s rights have been pushed back a century! I haven’t been this upset since I shot Odin Lloyd in the head.”
From Hell Satan welcomed Hernandez.
“I can’t tell you how happy I am to have him” said the Father of Lies.
With him on our football team we are guaranteed to win a championship. I understand that OJ will be down here soon as well. I’ve been patient these past 20 years but I could really use a running back like that.
When asked if having Hernandez on Hell’s football team would finally heal the wound of being expelled from Heaven, Satan responded that it was a good start.
“I won’t be truly happy until Hillary is president. I just wish Americans weren’t so damn sexist.”