Charlie Brown, once America’s most touted high school punter, has lost his scholarship to Ohio State.
“He just didn’t live up to expectations” said Ohio State’s head coach Urban Meyer.
We had heard that he could kick the ball 60-70 yards. Against the wind. With him as our punter we could win another championship. So I went down to see if the hype was accurate. What a let down. The guy couldn’t even hit the ball. Every time he’d miss it and land on his back. He tried to blame his holder. “Look it’s all about the snap and the holder. My holder kept pulling the football away from me as I was about to kick it.” Frankly we were prepared to chalk it up to nerves and give the kid a second chance but his attempt to put the blame on his holder just spoke to a lack of character and maturity in him. We wish him luck but our scholarship offer has been withdrawn.
Informed that Ohio State was no longer interested, Brown sank into a spiral of rage, blaming his holder, a neighbor named Lucy, feminists, the world and God.
“I tell you it wasn’t my fault” Brown said as he called in to Mike Francesa’s radio show.
Give me another holder and I’ll be able to kick the ball 80 yards! My leg is my gift. It’s the only thing I have. I’m not very popular in school and the red-headed girl told me she was a lesbian, which just destroyed me. My kicking is my ticket to fame, fortune and pussy. I normally use a different holder but he was off on a pilgrimage worshiping something called the Great Pumpkin. So I used his sister. Bitch knows nothing about football. Every time I was about to kick the ball she would pull it away and I’d land on my back. If that wasn’t bad enough she’d stand over me me laughing and saying “Charlie Brown you blockhead you are a cisgender oppressor.” I don’t even know what that means but it can’t be good.
Brown was then arrested after showing up drunk at the red-headed girl’s house and demanding oral sex.
“We received a report of a intruder banging on a resident’s front door” said the arresting officer.
When we arrived on the scene he had exposed his genitalia and was shouting “Suck this and you’ll never go back to women.” We tasered the perp and took him down. As we were handcuffing him he started crying and said “I just want to play football and bang the red-haired girl and now I won’t be able to do either.”
Brown was held overnight for observation and then released.
When asked what was next for him Brown replied that he still has options.
“I hear Michigan is interested. But who wants to play for Harbaugh. The man’s an asshole. Who knows. I may go up to Canada to play. Sure the rules are different but it’s either that or soccer. I have pride you know.”