Last week former congressman and serial “sext-er” Anthony Weiner pleaded guilty to one count of transferring obscene material to a minor. He must now register as a sex offender and forfeit his iPhone. I recently sat down with Weiner to discuss his future.
MI: Good afternoon Mr. Weiner.
AW: [Sobbing] I knew what I was doing was morally wrong. It was wrong. But I have a sickness.
MI: I’m familiar with your sickness. It’s called being an asshole.
AW: [Sobbing] I could have been Mayor Weiner, Governor Weiner. Why did they have to invent an iPhone? Damn you Steve Jobs!
MI: So this is Steve Jobs’ fault?
AW: [Sobbing] He ruined my life. As long as I can remember I’ve wanted women to see my penis. Before the iPhone I had to go into the park with a trench coat and flash schoolgirls. Oh the thrill when they looked down and saw my penis. Sometimes I’d wait for hours in the park for some schoolgirls to come along. I knew I’d never get caught. It was their word against mine.
AW: [Sobbing] But then Jobs invented the iPhone. I could now show any woman anywhere my penis. But there was an electronic paper trail. God, why? Why must I be cursed with such pride in my penis that I want to show it to everyone?
MI: Would you like a tissue?
AW: [Sobbing] No I brought my own. Why? Oh why –
MI: I’m sorry I’m getting a text on my phone. What the? Did you just send me a photo of your penis?
AW: [Sobbing] It’s my sickness. I can’t stop it.
MI: Your wife, Huma Abedin filed for divorce right after you pleaded guilty. That must have been one hell of a one-two punch.
AW: [Sobbing] Wait, what? Huma filed for divorce? No one told me. I know how to make it up to her and have her come back to me. No one can resist the Weiner charm. I’ll just text her a few photos of my penis with the caption “Miss this yet?”
[Weiner sends text]
AW: This is such a thrill. I can just imagine her reaction. Hopefully she’ll send a text of her boobs to me.
MI: But haven’t the two of you already seen each other naked?
AW: Yes, but intercourse is not nearly as thrilling as this.
MI: Okay. I thought the judge ordered you to forfeit your iPhone?
AW: This is a Samsung. And a Samsung is not an iPhone. Trust me. I’m a lawyer. I know about loopholes.
[Weiner’s Samsung explodes]
AW: My god, it’s on fire!
[Weiner drops his Samsung into his lap]
AW: I dropped my Samsung into my lap! It’s still on fire! It’s burning my crotch! My beautiful, shaved crotch that I love showing off!
[Weiner starts sobbing again]
MI: Would you like some more tissues now?
AW: Yes. Look at my crotch. It’s all burned. It looks like brisket. I will never be able to send another picture of my penis again!
MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.
AW: My kingdom! My kingdom for a not horribly burned crotch!
I’ll never be able to eat brisket again. Trust me, readers. I, I won’t be able to. I just can’t.