My Exclusive Interview With Disgraced Former Congressman and Now Registered Sex Offender Anthony Weiner

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Last week former congressman and serial “sext-er” Anthony Weiner pleaded guilty to one count of transferring obscene material to a minor. He must now register as a sex offender and forfeit his iPhone. I recently sat down with Weiner to discuss his future.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Weiner.

AW: [Sobbing] I knew what I was doing was morally wrong. It was wrong. But I have a sickness.

MI: I’m familiar with your sickness. It’s called being an asshole.

AW: [Sobbing] I could have been Mayor Weiner, Governor Weiner. Why did they have to invent an iPhone?  Damn you Steve Jobs!

MI: So this is Steve Jobs’ fault?

AW: [Sobbing] He ruined my life. As long as I can remember I’ve wanted women to see my penis. Before the iPhone I had to go into the park with a trench coat and flash schoolgirls. Oh the thrill when they looked down and saw my penis. Sometimes I’d wait for hours in the park for some schoolgirls to come along. I knew I’d never get caught. It was their word against mine.

MI:  Um.

AW: [Sobbing]  But then Jobs invented the iPhone. I could now show any woman anywhere my penis. But there was an electronic paper trail. God, why?  Why must I be cursed with such pride in my penis that I want to show it to everyone?

MI: Would you like a tissue?

AW: [Sobbing] No I brought my own. Why? Oh why –

MI: I’m sorry I’m getting a text on my phone.  What the?  Did you just send me a photo of your penis?

AW: [Sobbing] It’s my sickness. I can’t stop it.

MI: Your wife, Huma Abedin filed for divorce right after you pleaded guilty. That must have been one hell of a one-two punch.

AW: [Sobbing] Wait, what?  Huma filed for divorce?  No one told me. I know how to make it up to her and have her come back to me. No one can resist the Weiner charm.  I’ll just text her a few photos of my penis with the caption “Miss this yet?”

[Weiner sends text]

AW: This is such a thrill. I can just imagine her reaction. Hopefully she’ll send a text of her boobs to me.

MI: But haven’t the two of you already seen each other naked?

AW: Yes, but intercourse is not nearly as thrilling as this.

MI: Okay. I thought the judge ordered you to forfeit your iPhone?

AW:  This is a Samsung. And a Samsung is not an iPhone. Trust me. I’m a lawyer. I know about loopholes.

[Weiner’s Samsung explodes]

AW: My god, it’s on fire!

[Weiner drops his Samsung into his lap]

AW: I dropped my Samsung into my lap! It’s still on fire!  It’s burning my crotch! My beautiful, shaved crotch that I love showing off! 

[Weiner starts sobbing again]

MI: Would you like some more tissues now?

AW: Yes. Look at my crotch. It’s all burned. It looks like brisket. I will never be able to send another picture of my penis again!

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

AW: My kingdom! My kingdom for a not horribly burned crotch!

I’ll never be able to eat brisket again. Trust me, readers. I, I won’t be able to. I just can’t.

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