“I’ve been dead for over 20 years but I hear through anonymous sources that Trump’s son-in-law sold nuclear secrets to the Russians!” ~ Mickey Mantle

The enemy of mankind: The clipboard!

Beginning a holiday weekend homestand against the Philadelphia, er the Kansas City, um, I mean the Oakland Athletics the Yankees started Mashiro Tanaka (5-4, 5.86) and the A’s Sean Manaea (3-3, 4.35).

It was a classic pitcher’s duel (at least until the now-porous Yankee bullpen was brought in during the 8th inning).

Tanaka, who had come off two really bad starts kept the A’s shutout and struck out 13.  I guess the talk he had with Joe Girardi before the game must have worked!

Girardi: Masahiro, I know you’ve had some bad starts as of late but I just want to say that you are our ace and we are behind you.  [To translator] Can you tell him that for me?

Translator: [To Tanaka] The cheese-eating white man says that you had better pitch good or he will drop a nuclear bomb on Japan and your house will be ground zero!

Tanaka: I hate cheese-eating white people!

I like this translator. Now we just need to find a translator like him who speaks Spanish.

There was no score until the top of the 8th inning. Tanaka, who had been cruising was taken out after giving up a single. So what do you do when yoru starter has struck out 13 and has been dominant?  You take him out of course. This is from the Gospel according to Tony La Russa, chapter 13, verse four: “Verily thou shalt not suffer thy starting pitcher to complete the game. Even if he is dominating.”

Or as Joe Girardi put it:  “According to my clipboard taking Tanaka out was the right thing to do.”

Other examples of listening to the clipboard:

Douglas MacArthur: I don’t know. We really should stop at the 38th parallel but the clipboard says pursue the North Koreans to the Chinese border.

Abraham Lincoln: I really don’t feel like going to the theater tonight but the clipboard says I should.

Julius Caesar: I know it’s the Ides of March but the clipboard says I have nothing to worry about.

Satan: I don’t know if this rebelling against God thing will work out but according to my clipboard it’s the right thing to do.

The clipboard:  Is there no evil it isn’t responsible for?

But anyway back to the game.  No score until the 8th.  Tanaka taken out. Bullpen brought in. Lead given up. Yankees lose 4-1.

The dependence of modern baseball on the bullpen is ruining the game. (And dragging out game times to 3 and 4 hours.) Get rid of the pitch count too.  Play baseball the way it was meant to be played and it will once again become the greatest game. And get rid of the damn blaring music. Baseball is a game best played in silence.

Notes on the game:

A woman sitting behind me kept yelling at Aaron Judge, trying to get him to look at her.  “I haven’t had sex in three weeks and need it” she told her friend.

Three weeks? Amateur. I disdain your three weeks.

All fans were given beer mugs before the game.

Beer and baseball. Who needs anything else?

This is a good idea that meets with Manhattan Infidel’s approval. Get the kids started early. Beer and baseball. It’s all you need in life.

Note:  The beer mug promotion, while popular, falls a distant second to the Yankees “crack cocaine and hookers” promotion night.

Best heckle of the game:  I tried but my heckle of “Install the OpenLDAP server daemon and the traditional LDAP management utilities. These are found in packages slapd and ldap-utils respectively” didn’t fire up the crowd. Ignorant Linux savages! I can’t work with such people! Or any people really.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “My Ubuntu VM is getting a “running on low graphics mode” error message. What do I do?

Arm yourself and prepare for to resist your government.

C.H.E. of flaccid, floppy, filthy Florida writes,”I just got a tattoo that says “Linux girls do it open source.”

You said “open.” You’re dirty. And I like that.

M.P.A of Confederate-sympathizing, secessionist bastard-filled Maryland writes, “We intend to prepare for war. We do not believe that war will ensue, but we are determined to prepare for it. We are not a feeble race of Mexicans, either. Sir, disguise the fact as you will, there is an enmity between the northern and southern people that is deep and enduring and you can never eradicate it – never!  Sir I do not believe there will be any war; but if war is to come let it come. We will meet all the myrmidons of abolitionism and Black Republicanism everywhere, upon our own soil!”

You know Robert E. Lee hated Linux. Grant however loved it.

Recommended reading material:

The Koran by the con artist Mohammed. (Know thy enemy I always say.)

It’s just too bad that Jeri Ryan from Star Trek Voyager isn’t my enemy. I really, really want to “know’ her.

Manhattan Infidel wants to know this woman!

And so my record stands at 2-3 this year. My next game is Wednesday June 6th against the abomination of desolation, the Bahstahn Red Sawks. And what does Bahstahn do?  That’s right. Bahstahn sucks cawk!

Go Yankees!

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