I must drink your blood!

Count Dracula, recently out of rehab and seeking to get back on his feet, was fired today from his job as night counterperson at 7-Eleven.

The Count has only been working at 7-Eleven for a couple of weeks and seemed to be doing a good job before his abrupt termination.

“I really hated to let him go” said the franchise owner.

It’s tough finding people who want to work the overnight shift. It’s a lot more responsibility and I don’t like putting kids on that shift. They either sleep through it or get drunk and bang their girlfriends on the counter. But the Count, he insisted I call him the Count, specifically asked to work nights. He said he had personal reasons for preferring that shift. Hey who am I to judge. Besides he’s from eastern Europe and you know how they are. Anyway he looked very mature and responsible.  So before his first shift I told him that, god forbid, if there was ever a robbery I had a shotgun under the counter. He just looks at me and says “I….have other ways of defending myself.”  So I figure he’s carrying a knife. I don’t know maybe he’s half eastern European and half Puerto Rican or something.

The first sign that the Count might not be working out was a string of robberies at the 7-Eleven.

We have four robberies his first week.  That’s more than I’ve had in years. Every time the police would call me and I’d go to the store and there’d be a dead perp on the floor with marks in his neck. Okay so the Count was using his knife to slice the jugular I guess. I never had a chance to find out. He’s always leave before the sun came up. He told me he was frightened of the sun. I don’t know maybe he’s also part Irish? Anyway I figure it’s just a bad streak for my store. But then I started noticing that sales at night were way down. I mean we were getting no money in the till.  Perhaps the Count is stealing? That’s when I decided to look at the security tapes.

What he discovered shocked him.

It turns out they weren’t robberies. The Count was attacking all the customers. He’d grab them and start biting their neck. Some would get away but others would just collapse on the floor in their own blood. Now I’m a pretty tolerant man. I’ve had gay employees, trans employees, hell even Presbyterians. But killing customers? That’s just going to get me bad reviews on Yelp. So I shitcanned his ass. The Count got all upset and threatened to “suck the blood out of me.” I told him too late. The wife and kids had already done that. Then he threatened revenge. He also asked if I could visit the store at night so he could get me. I laughed and said “I only work days, loser.” The last I saw of him he was waiting for the bus.

After closing for a day to steam clean any residual blood off the floor he has reopened his 7-Eleven.

“You know what?  I’m never hiring another eastern European. I’ve heard they were strange but I never suspected they were that strange.”

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