I’m not good with money

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing A-list Hollywood actor and heartthrob Johnny Depp.

MI:  Good afternoon Mr. Depp.

JD: When was the last time an actor assassinated a president?

MI: Um, 1865. Why?

JD: I think we need to do it again.

MI: Are you calling for the assassination of President Trump.

JD: Yes. I mean no. It’s just a bad joke. But if someone did want to assassinate the president I could pay them. I have the budget for it.

MI: Let’s talk about that. You are currently embroiled in a lawsuit with your former management company and they in turn are countersuing you.

JD: Yes.  They bankrupted me.

MI: Not according to them. I’m going to quote from one of their documents:  “…I need to be able to sit with you on your return from this trip, and before you leave for France, so that we can talk about where we are financially, what we have borrowed in order to sustain ourselves, what we have had to do to obtain those borrowings, what is now necessary to pay those borrowings back and, finally, to look realistically at income and expenses and to work together on how to make sure that these are back in balance.”

JD: So? I’m Johnny Depp. I have a lifestyle to maintain. My public expects it. Are you saying I should reduce my expenses and live a more modest lifestyle? I’m Johnny F*cking Demp asshole.

MI: Let’s go through your expenses. You spend a reported two million a month. This includes 30,000 a month for buying and importing wine.

JD:  I don’t drink the cheap stuff. I’m sure you can relate.

MI: Not really. But couldn’t you just buy your wine locally?  It’ll be much cheaper.

JD: [Pause] What are you? Middle class?

MI: Okay moving along you also spend 200,000 a month on private jets. Now this was a bone of contention. Your management wanted you to give up the private jets. Let me quote your response: “But, regarding the plane situation… I don’t have all that many options at the moment. A commercial flight with paparazzi in tow would be a f–king nightmare of monumental proportions.”  You couldn’t fly commercial?

JD: [Sigh] You middle class people just don’t understand anything about maintaining a lifestyle. I have to budget for that.

MI: You also spend $300,000 a month for a staff of 40 people. You have 40 people working for you. Do you really need a staff of 40? What the hell do they do for you?

JD: They bring me stuff.

MI: Like?

JD: [Pause} Perrier.

MI: Perrier?

JD: Yes. [Pause] Perrier.

MI: How much [pause] Perrier are we talking about?

JD: Stevie Nicks “I’ve snorted so much Perrier I’ve lost the cartilage on my nose” levels of [pause] Perrier.

MI: Isn’t there anything you can do to reduce costs and stay within a budget?

JD: I’m thinking of switching to crack Perrier. It’ll reduce my monthly expenses to 1.5 million.

MI: I think you’re missing the point.

JD: Speaking of points I just bought a ball point pen for ten million.

MI: For god’s sake why?

JD: I don’t remember. I was snorting a lot of Perrier at the time.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

JD: Time? Are you talking about Time magazine or time itself? Because I bought both. Only cost me 75 million.

MI: I’m out of here.

JD: Don’t take any of my Perrier when you leave!

And so ended my interview with the overextended, can’t stay within a budget and Perrier-using A-list actor Johnny Depp. You know I am not without sympathy for Depp. Perrier is very expensive.

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