A History of FBI Briefings (As Composed by the Impartial Hand of Manhattan Infidel)

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FBI: We know what we are doing!

By now many have had a chance to review the FBI’s findings on the shooting of Republican congressman Steve Scalise. Even though the shooter had a paper with the names of Republican congressman, even though he staked out the ballfield for days beforehand, even though he asked if a Republican or Democratic team was practicing and even though he had mapped out the DC area and lived in a van by the ballfield, the FBI believes it was a random act of violence and that the shooter did not intend to target Republicans.

I know many of you were thinking the same thing about the FBI’s findings as I was: Why this stinks more than the last five movies made by M. Night Shyamalan!

Being the impartial, professional mainstream media source that I am I decided to look at some other FBI briefings to see if I could detect a pattern.

FBI Briefing on the Attack on Pearl Harbor, 1941

This briefing, held a week after the attack, sought to reassure a still battered nation. Among the FBI’s findings were:

  • The Japanese Navy had “no concrete plan to inflict violence” against the U.S. Navy stationed at Pearl Harbor.
  • The FBI “had not yet clarified who, if anyone, the Japanese Navy planned to target, or why.”
  • The FBI believed that the Japanese Navy may have just “happened upon” the fleet at Pearl Harbor and spontaneously decided to drop bombs.
  • The FBI believed that photographs taken of Pearl Harbor by Japanese spies represented “no surveillance of intended targets.”
  • Believes the Japanese Navy was filled with “down on their luck pilots with few future prospects. Hence the anger of the attack.”

FBI Briefing on the Assassination of Abraham Lincoln

This briefing, strangely held 43 years before the founding of the FBI, came up with the following conclusions:

  • John Wilkes Booth was a “down on his luck actor” and shot Lincoln for the free publicity.
  • While Booth was a southern sympathizer and a Democrat he did not target Lincoln for political reasons.
  • Contrary to reports Booth did not say “Sic Semper Tyrannis” after shooting the Lincoln. What he actually said was “Republicans need to tone down their rhetoric.”
  • Lincoln may actually have requested Booth shoot him. “My wife is ugly and crazy so just shoot me now” witnesses report the President saying.
  • Lincoln had a funny beard and this may have enraged the dapper, mustachio’d Booth.

FBI Briefing on the Destruction of the Galactic Empire’s Death Star

The FBI held that the destruction was the empire’s fault.

  • The Rebel Alliance was angered by the Empire’s heated rhetoric.
  • Luke Skywalker wanted to blow up the Death Star because his father was on board and he hated the institution of the patriarchy.
  • Luke Skywalker was non-binary and gender fluid. Hence his extreme anger towards the cisgender Darth Vader.
  • Chewbacca was probably gay.
  • Princess Leia would make a great leader of the Galactic Empire if it weren’t for the ingrained sexism of the Empire’s fly-over voters.

After reviewing these briefings I can honestly say that we are in the best of hands and we can totally trust the FBI.

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2 Comments

2 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    …and Bubba didn’t mean to spread his seed onto the blue dress; the excitement of the moment brought on a normal biological function necessitating all of the hundreds of blood engorged capillaries in his nether region to choke his chicken. There was no intent.

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