“Baseball has been colluding with the Russians to overthrow America for a long time now. Impeach baseball!” ~ Maxine Waters

‘Murica, baby!

The slumping Yankees, who haven’t won the last six series welcomed the bastard Canadian Toronto Blue Jays to ‘Murica for a July 4th matinee. The Yankees started CC Sabathia (7-3 3.81) and the damn Canadian bastards J.A. Happ (3-5 3.47).

This was CC’s first start back from the DL. No rehab stints in the minors for CC. He can do it. This is CC after all, right?

Wrong.  CC lasted 2 2/3 innings, giving up four runs on three hits while walking three and striking out one.

Queen Elizabeth’s loyal subjects the Toronto Blue Jays batted round and scored four runs in the third. After getting the first two batters out Darwin Barney drew a walk and went to second on a wild pitch. Jose “total asshole” Bautista then singled him home. Russell Martin singled and Josh Donaldson walked, loading the bases. Justin Smoak walked, forcing in Russell Martin.  The next batter, Kendrys Morales singled home Martin and Donaldson.  4-0 Toronto after 2 1/2.

The Yankees got a run back in the bottom of the fourth when Aaron Judge led off the inning with his 27th home run of the year.  4-1 Toronto after four innings.

And that would prove to be the final score as ‘Murica was humiliated by the Queen’s loyal subjects. On Independence day no less.

Notes on the game:

Benedict Arnold was at the game.

Damn traitor!

No doubt happy to see the loyal subjects of the Queen defeating the Yankees. He had to leave the game early as his treasonous plot was discovered. He was last seen rowing downstream on the Hudson River to the safety of British lines.

A hot dog and a coke costs six dollars outside Yankee stadium. It costs 15 inside the Stadium. I had a hot dog and a coke outside the Stadium.

The beer menu in the bleachers.

Crack is cheaper. Let this be a lesson to the children: Stay with crack.

Being an alcoholic can be expensive sometimes. I should have stayed with crack. It’s cheaper.

Now it’s time for my annual State of Baseball rant.

Baseball is too great a game to destroy totally no matter how much the Lords of Baseball and their allies in the sports press try. But the game is suffering. It’s time to bring back classic baseball:

1. Stop the loud pumped in music. Baseball is a game of silence.
2. Get rid of the pitch count. Anyone seen with a clicker in the dugout should be slowly killed.
3. Get rid of the DH.
4. More day baseball.
5. Get rid of the annoying between innings “entertainment.”  I’m here to see a f*cking baseball game not to see people dressed as sausages run around the stadium.
6. Number six sponsored by Budweiser, the King of Beers.
7. Bring back stirrups.  The baseball uniform should be worn with high stirrups showing.
8. Number eight brought to you by Russian collusion.
9. They have throwback uniform days. Why not throwback ticket and concession price days?
10. Get rid of the damn replay rule. The game is slowing down enough already without the endless video reviews. Besides it takes away the fun of the managers screaming at umpires for blown calls.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of  “John Podesta is a pedophile” didn’t fire up the crowd. Pizza party my ass. We all know what those high-ranking Democrats were doing on Sex Island.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes “My taxes are too high and my small business is being overregulated to death. What can I do?”

Change your party affiliation to Democrat. Once you’re a Democrat you become a member of the elite. And the rules do not apply to the elite.

C.H.E writes, “I live in Florida – ” 

Mistake number one.

C.H.E also writes, “But I haven’t finished my question yet.”

You live in Florida. May a distempered alligator poop on your lawn.

M.P.A of confederate sympathizing Maryland writes, “The different forms of labor,  if slavery were not perverted to purposes of political ambition, need not constitute an element of strife in the confederacy.”

I hear you. We are all slaves. Some chattel. Some wage slaves.

Recommended reading material:  “I, the Jury, My Gun is Quick, Vengeance is Mine!: The Mike Hammer Collection, Volume 1 by Mickey Spillane.”

My record is 4-4 this year. My next game is Friday July 28th against the Tampa Bay Rays.

Go Yankees!

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