To lubricate that area of my body is highly illogical

Many Vulcans, who first came to Earth in hopes of non Pon-Farr approved mating are returning to Vulcan, disappointed at their lack of mating success.

“Mating only once every seven years may be logical but it is constricting” said one Vulcan.

I had heard that humans mate often. Every day. Maybe twice or three times a day. At least that’s what Captain Kirk told me. He shared his many mating experiences with me. By the way what is a rusty trombone?  So I came to Earth. I was looking forward to many, many, many highly illogical but pleasurable mating experiences. I was not as successful as I had anticipated and that is illogical. I am in the prime of my mating life. I should be able to find many prospective mates for hookups as I believe you humans call it.

Instead of success the Vulcan in question found his pick up lines mocked by human females.

I was told that women admire confidence so I would go up to them in bars and say “I want to engage in a highly logical session of coitus with you.” I usually ended up being maced. Fortunately we Vulcans have an inner eyelid that kept most of the mace out of my eyes. Still, it was an unpleasant experience. Very illogical this irrationality of the human female.

Another Vulcan, who landed in the heart of Manhattan’s Chelsea neighborhood spoke of locals attempting to engage him in illogical sexual practices.

“My attempts to engage the local population in sexual activity were interesting to say the least” declares the sexually unsuccessful Vulcan.

Even though I am male people kept asking me if I perhaps self-identified as female. They wanted to know if I was gender fluid and non-binary. I did not know how to answer these questions. And when they weren’t asking me if I were non-binary they were trying to get me to lubricate myself. To lubricate an orifice of my body that has no natural lubricants and was not meant to be penetrated seemed illogical to me. They then called me a “hater” and told me to go back to the red state I came from. I merely wanted to engage in pleasurable sexual activity during a non Pon Farr period. I did not need to be called names. Since Vulcans have no feelings the name calling did not affect me. Okay I cried when I was alone. But you can’t tell anyone about this. If the other Vulcans knew I wouldn’t get any even during my next Pon Farr.

Police in New York City report finding many Vulcans passed out in the street on Saturday nights in a puddle of their own vomit.

“Yeah these Vulcans just can’t handle rejection. Once every seven years? Why don’t they just get married” said a detective.

The Vulcan High Command has ordered all Vulcans to leave Earth and return to Vulcan.

“The Vulcans on Earth are giving us a bad name. I mean keep your shit together or people might start thinking we are Romulan.”

(167)