With the Oscars come and gone the talk centers on the news that Ben Affleck brought his sober coach to the awards before entering rehab. I was lucky enough to track down Affleck’s sober coach to ask him about what he does for his clients.
MI: Good afternoon.
SC: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel it’s a pleasure to be here.
MI: So tell me about yourself. You are a sober coach?
MI: And Ben Affleck is one of your clients?
SC: Yes. Ben contacted me and said he would require my services at the Oscar ceremony.
MI: And your services are?
SC: I accompany him and make sure he doesn’t drink.
MI: And how exactly do you keep him from drinking?
SC: If I see Ben with a drink in his hand I punch him in the face.
MI: You punch him –
SC: In the face. Correct. I punch all my clients in the face.
MI: How did you become a sober coach?
SC: Well I’ve always enjoyed punching people in the face but didn’t have the patience to learn how to box. Since boxing was out I needed a way to earn a living punching people in the face. Being a sober coach offered me a way to do that.
MI: Is there any training involved.
SC: No I just went online and printed out a degree that says I am a certified sober coach.
MI: Did you have to use your training with Ben at the Oscars?
SC: Yes I punched him in the face a couple times. Down he went. Just like Liston.
MI: A couple of times?
SC: Yes. He’s a drunk. So I punched him. He started crying “My face. My beautiful Oscar winning face!”
MI: Did you permanently damage his face?
SC: Of course not. His face is his livelihood
MI: What do you do with your uglier clients?
SC: I beat the crap out of them. Break noses, jaws, dislocate eye sockets.
SC: There ugly. Who cares what they look like.
MI: How much does a sober coach make?
SC: Upwards of $300,000 per year.
MI: $300,000 a year?
SC: There are a lot of people in Hollywood who need to be punched in the face.
MI: Good point. I’d like to be a sober coach.
SC: You’re not qualified.
MI: What if I go online and download a degree.
SC:That’s different. Then you’d be wholly qualified to punch actors in the face.
MI: That’s good to know.
Sober Coaching. I may have a future in this field. God knows there are a lot of actors I’d like to punch in the face.