Regular readers of Manhattan Infidel will know that Gwyneth Paltrow has graced our pages before. In fact she is one of our favorite targets. I mean subjects. Because Manhattan Infidel does not make things up. We are all about the facts.
And in keeping with our devotion to the facts here is our latest interview with the incredibly close to the common woman Gwyneth Paltrow.
MI: Good afternoon Miss Paltrow. It’s a pleasure to have you back gracing my blog.
GP: I fill the entire world with grace. That’s what I do.
MI: Right. Anyway what would you like to talk about? Hollywood? Your acting career?
GP: Orgasm equality.
GP: There is an orgasm gap in the world that threatens our very existence.
GP: Yes. This orgasm gap continues with 91 percent of adult men but only 64 percent of adult women climaxing in their last sexual encounter. This is a human rights issue.
MI: Human…rights? Okay but let’s talk about –
GP: Don’t change the subject. I’m here as a prophet of orgasm equality. Did you last partner achieve orgasm?
MI: Well she’s a robot I bought in Japan so I don’t really care.
GP: You should. Robots have feelings. It’s science.
GP: But back to orgasm inequality. Manhattan Infidel I want you to look at my genitalia.
[Gwyneth Paltrow raises her skirt and spreads her legs, revealing her genitalia]
MI: Okay sure.
GP: Look closely at my female organs. They are normal aren’t they?
MI: Yes. Quite normal.
GP: Then why am I not climaxing more often? I have a theory.
MI: Which is?
GP: The penis was not designed to please women.
GP: Manhattan Infidel, please stand up and remove your pants.
[Manhattan Infidel stands up and removed his pants and underwear]
GP: I have designed a machine that will attach itself to the penis –
[She slaps it on Manhattan Infidel’s penis]
GP:– and stretch the penis into a shape designed to please women. I call it the Vibrating Stretching Shredder Machine.
MI: What the hell. Is this safe?
GP: Totally. Now you will experience a vibrating, shredding sensation.
MI: I feel dizzy.
GP: Then lie down.
[Manhattan Infidel lies down]
GP: Now bring me to orgasm.
MI: I can’t stand up. I’m vibrating too much.
GP: Then I shall get on top of you.
[She gets on top of Manhattan Infidel]
MI: What the hell is happening?
GP: Your penis is being stretched and reshaped.
MI: What? I like my penis just the way it is.
GP: Well that’s because you represent the patriarchy. Now bring me to orgasm! YES! YES! I AM CLIMAXING! I AM CLIMAXING! ORGASM EQUALITY!
[She climbs off Manhattan Infidel]
GP: You see. My vibrating, stretching device will bring women to orgasm every time.
MI: I feel weak.
GP: You’re losing a lot of blood.
MI: Oh god.
GP: This is just a prototype. The lab didn’t warn me about the blood loss. Here, I have some tissues in my purse.
[She hands Manhattan Infidel some tissues to mop up the blood]
GP: Bye. And thank you for doing your part to bring about orgasm equality.
MI: This….this isn’t helping stop the blood loss. I think I’m losing consciousness.
[Manhattan Infidel passes out]
You know I don’t care how much my readers like Gwyneth Paltrow. I’m never inviting her back.