Godzilla Threatens to Leave Tokyo Over “Affront” to His Dignity!

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Godzilla is pissed! And he doesn't need your mansplainin'

Godzilla is pissed! And he doesn’t need your mansplainin’

Godzilla, one of the major tourist attractions in Tokyo has threatened to move after the Tokyo City Council ordered him to wear a diaper.

“Do these idiots know who I am?” said an exasperated Godzilla.

Do they know how important I am to the city? Do they know how much money I bring in? I’m one of the city’s major tourist attractions. Well besides the blow job bars if that’s your thing. Me? ¬†Godzilla doesn’t need to pay. But back to my point people come from all around the world to see me. I’m Godzilla dammit. You think the way I keep the city’s finances in the black they’d cut me some slack. Sure I crap a lot. But I’m a big animal and I have gastrointestinal issues. So lay off about the crap and deal with it. My shit fertilizes your farms.

While the Tokyo City Council was previously tolerant of Godzilla’s bowel movements things might have come to a head (no pun intended) when Godzilla, suffering from acute diarrhea, evacuated on top of an open air bus filled with German tourists. Several of the tourists had to be flown to nearby hospitals suffering from¬†methane gas exposure.

The incident made international headlines and many German companies cancelled vacation trips to Tokyo.

“The Germans are a very clean people” explained a Council member.

I mean couldn’t he have chosen another group to shit all over? Perhaps the Irish? They’ve been shit on for centuries and are used to it. Why couldn’t he have shit on some Dominicans. They are used to living in filth. So yeah, we took a lot of heat from overseas. I know Godzilla is a tourist attraction but what’s the point of a tourist attraction if the tourists don’t show up? That’s why we asked him to wear a diaper. No one is trying to hurt his dignity. If anything he should start thinking about our dignity. His shit stinks. It’s a mess to clean up and our municipal union won’t do it anymore. So if he wants to stay he has to wear a diaper.

Godzilla however is having none of the Council’s explanation and has already started looking for work elsewhere.

Tokyo isn’t the world you know. Plenty of cities would love to have me. I’ve already heard from San Francisco. Apparently my large size would be attractive to the city residents. And shitting all over them would fit in with their fetish crowd. I’m not sure how I feel about that but hey to each his own. Chicago says they are interested. The police there think I could help reduce gang violence by crapping all over the street. I’m all for public safety so that’s a major attraction. I applied to New York but they wanted to know if my gender designation fits into one of their 31 categories. I don’t know exactly what they mean by that.

Regardless of the new city he chooses, Godzilla seems to be in no hurry to bury the hatchet with Tokyo, going as far as to defecate all over City Hall.

“This is my ass and that’s my shit” said Godzilla after the incident.

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