Vito Corleone, head of the Corleone crime syndicate, one of the five families of the New York underworld, has gone into hiding after receiving death threats from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.
“I have killed people. It’s the line of work I’m in” said the now-hiding godfather.
But usually there is a business reason to kill people. It’s all very rational. But these PETA people scare me. They are freaks who believe animal life is more important than human life. Look it makes no difference, it don’t make any difference to me what a man does for a living, you understand. But PETA is a little dangerous. They took my son out at the causeway. Shot him up. All because of one lousy movie producer!
The movie producer in question is Jack Woltz (pictured here with his beloved race horse).
After Woltz refused to give Corleone’s godson a role in a new war picture Corleone had the horse’s head cut off and placed in Woltz’s bead as he slept.
“I woke up and there was blood all over my sheets” said Woltz.
I mean lots of blood. At first I was all “Whoa. Did the teen starlet I slept with last night get her period?” But then I saw that it was the head of my favorite race horse. The greasy Guido bastards cut its head off! The Corleone’s made me look ridiculous. And a man in my position can’t afford to be made to look ridiculous! So I went to PETA and they promised to take care of him. If Vito Corleone is in hiding it’s none of my business. I’ve washed my hands of it. I’m a producer and blood is a big expense. More expensive than overtime.
At first Corleone thought he could ride out the storm and deal with PETA. But that was until PETA had Corleone’s henchman Luca Brasi
Luca kept me safe. Safe from my enemies. From bandleaders. From everyone. But then he disappeared and we couldn’t find him. I was getting nervous when PETA delivered Luca’s suit and a fish to my place. It’s an old Sicilian message that means Luca sleeps with the fishes. I tell you these PETA people are crazier than the Irish!
Ingrid Newkirk, founder of PETA, released a statement defending her group’s targeting of Corleone.
When I heard of this outrage I wept for all horses around the world. Couldn’t Corleone have left and Irishman or a Scotsman’s head in Woltz’s bed? That would have been acceptable. But no he murdered a horse! And for that we will hunt him down to the ends of the world to get our revenge!
As for Vito Corleone he remains confident that he will emerge unscathed.
“I left my son Michael in charge while I’m gone. He’s a good kid. He might make governor or senator one day.”