Montgomery Scott, Chief Engineer on board the Enterprise, has written a strongly worded memo to his crew mates asking them to “refrain from having relations in my Jefferies Tubes.”
Long known unofficially as “make out central” on board the star ship, Scotty tolerated it as long as it didn’t interfere with his efforts to keep the Enterprise at peak engineering efficiency. All this changed after an incident when the Enterprise nearly disintegrated in orbit over Rigel V.
“There was something on the planet draining our energy and we were losing orbit” said Scotty.
Captain Kirk called me from the planet and said “Scotty…..I need….more…..power!” So I crawled into the Jefferies Tube. It should have been a quick fix but when I got in the tube the controls were crusted over with dry biologicals. And yeah I’m being polite using the phrase biologicals. I mean all over the Jefferies Tube. I felt like I was in a CSI episode. So I wasted almost a half hour chipping and scrubbing away at the biologicals. Kirk calls me again and says “Scotty….power….now!” I had to tell the horny bastard to wait and he’ll get power as soon as I wipe everything off.
Scotty was eventually able to restore power. Enraged by the near-miss he sent a ship-wide email to crew members telling them to “Please have sex elsewhere. The Jefferies Tubes are for official engineering business only!”
The reaction from Enterprise crew has been as expected.
“I always bring women to the Jefferies Tubes” said Commander Spock.
Sure I could just bring Nurse Chapel to my quarters and do the beast with two backs but the Tubes are kinkier. To enhance one’s sexual experience through unusual locations is highly logical. I do not understand Scotty’s objections.
Lieutenant Sulu says he often hangs around in Jefferies Tubes during his time off
hoping for random encounters with other male crew members.
The Jefferies Tubes are perfect for this. I just wait and sure enough eventually a man will show up. And, oh my, the action! Okay technically I should not be having sex there but I like the thrill of potentially being caught.
After sending out his memo Scotty has acquired a nickname by the crew: “The Prude.”
Scotty denies being a prude.
Look I’m an old Aberdeen pub crawler and a red blooded male. I know things happen. I know people have sex. Sometimes I have sex. Though I’d rather read a technical manual. But that’s just me. But come on! Last week I went into one of the Jefferies Tubes and Captain Kirk was in there with another green woman. Kirk says “Don’t mind me. Just do what you have to do.” Have you ever tried to reverse the polarity of the ion flow when your captain’s balls are in your face? I don’t need to see that!
Despite his email, Scotty is resigned to the fact that his wishes will probably be ignored.
“Look all I’m asking is bring Handi Wipes with you and clean up when you’re finished. It’s common decency.”