My Exclusive Interview with Ben Affleck’s Sober Coach

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I need a drink

With the Oscars come and gone the talk centers on the news that Ben Affleck brought his sober coach to the awards before entering rehab.  I was lucky enough to track down Affleck’s sober coach to ask him about what he does for his clients.

MI: Good afternoon.

SC: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel it’s a pleasure to be here.

MI: So tell me about yourself. You are a sober coach?

SC: Yes.

MI: And Ben Affleck is one of your clients?

SC: Yes. Ben contacted me and said he would require my services at the Oscar ceremony.

MI:  And your services are?

SC: I accompany him and make sure he doesn’t drink.

MI: And how exactly do you keep him from drinking?

SC: If I see Ben with a drink in his hand I punch him in the face.

MI: You punch him –

SC:  In the face. Correct. I punch all my clients in the face.

MI: How did you become a sober coach?

SC: Well I’ve always enjoyed punching people in the face but didn’t have the patience to learn how to box. Since boxing was out I needed a way to earn a living punching people in the face.  Being a sober coach offered me a way to do that.

MI: Is there any training involved.

SC: No I just went online and printed out a degree that says I am a certified sober coach.

MI: Did you have to use your training with Ben at the Oscars?

SC: Yes I punched him in the face a couple times. Down he went. Just like Liston.

MI:  A couple of times?

SC: Yes. He’s a drunk. So I punched him.  He started crying “My face. My beautiful Oscar winning face!”

MI: Did you permanently damage his face?

SC: Of course not. His face is his livelihood

MI: What do you do with your uglier clients?

SC: I beat the crap out of them. Break noses, jaws, dislocate eye sockets.

MI: Really?

SC: There ugly. Who cares what they look like.

MI: How much does a sober coach make?

SC: Upwards of $300,000 per year.

MI: $300,000 a year?

SC: There are a lot of people in Hollywood who need to be punched in the face.

MI: Good point.  I’d like to be a sober coach.

SC: You’re not qualified.

MI: What if I go online and download a degree.

SC:That’s different.  Then you’d be wholly qualified to punch actors in the face.

MI: That’s good to know.

Sober Coaching.  I may have a future in this field. God knows there are a lot of actors I’d like to punch in the face.

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