Browsing the blog archives for April, 2009
CSPAN announced today an ambitious plan to increase it flagging ratings. “We found that people watched CSPAN to cure insomnia. Many Central American Republics forced dissidents to watch us as an alternative to placing electrodes on genitalia. Dentists who were low on novocaine would put us on in hopes of lulling their patients to sleep. This […]
Notorious crime lord Jabba the Hutt was hospitalized today with what doctors are describing as an “extreme case of osteoporosis.” Doctors are surprised that the 600 year old Hutt has been stricken, as being overweight usually is one factor in not contracting the disease. “Let’s face it, he’s not svelte” says Dr. Lionel Train of […]
From the 50 states, Canada and Europe serial killers from around the globe met in New York City at the First Annual Serial Killer Convention and Barbeque to discuss the future of their industry. With much of the world suffering from the economic downturn the serial killer business has perhaps been one of the hardest […]
Keeping a campaign promise to meet with God, President Obama went to Heaven today. Security was tight as Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, secret service agents, a couple hundred assistants, his personal chef and 14 teleprompters were met at the the front gates by St. Peter. It took an hour for the impressive presidential retinue […]
In what will surely be a blow in ongoing efforts to rehabilitate its image, the LAPD today beat a Klingon warrior unconscious at a traffic stop. Shortly before 2 PM officers of the LAPD noticed a suspicious Klingon Bird of Prey parked illegally on Sunset Boulevard. “I ran its license plates and discovered that the vehicle had […]
The tiny community of Bedrock was shocked today by the news that Fred Flintstone of Slate Rock and Gravel Company and his wife, the former Wilma Slaghoople have filed concurrent motions for divorce. Sources close to the couple say that there had been tension in the marriage for awhile now. “Fred was a regular Joe, […]
Speaking from Lovelock Correctional Center in Nevada, former football star and actor O.J. Simpson announced today that the long search to find the real killers of his ex-wife Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman has ended. “It is my pleasure to state that I am in fact the real murderer” he declared as photographers snapped his […]
Concerned that seats would remain vacant because of the economy, Yankee President Randy Levine held a press conference from his office deep within Hell to announce a series of perks that will be offered to those sitting in box seats. “We appreciate that if our fans are paying upwards of $3000 they expect more for […]
Earth Hour was intended to highlight the problem of global warming. What it did instead was lead to a rise in criminal activity throughout our area (with the notable exception of the heavily Italian section of Todt Hill in Staten Island). At precisely 8:30 PM local time lights went out throughout the New York City. […]
Amid growing concerns on the street after record-breaking 4th quarter losses, Lucifer announced today that he will be forced to cut back on Hell’s services. Gone are the days of round the clock 24/7 flayings, pokings, dismemberments and other tortures by his minions. Instead, the Region of the Damned will adopt a more streamlined 9 to 5 business […]