Surprised O.J. Finds Real Killer: “It Was Me All Along!”

Wow!  I really did kill my wife!

Wow! I really did kill my wife!

Speaking from Lovelock Correctional Center in Nevada, former football star and actor O.J. Simpson announced today that the long search to find the real killers of his ex-wife Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman has ended.

“It is my pleasure to state that I am in fact the real murderer” he declared as photographers snapped his picture.  “Hey, no one is more surprised by this than me.  I spent 14 years of my life looking for the killer and not once did I suspect that I might have had anything to do with it.  At first I thought it might have been columbian drug lords but that didn’t pan out.  Then I spent years tracking some guy from Lagrange New York called Fred. I followed a one-armed man I thought might have been the one until I realized that was just a movie I saw.  Boy that Harrison Ford is such a trip!  Then I thought the kid who delivered my pizza might have been the murderer until someone pointed out that he would only have been 4 at the time.”

What brought O.J. to the realization that he was guilty?

“I was doing research for my autobiography ‘I”m O.J. Simpson and I Won’t Kill You’ when I started looking through my old calendars.  I found an item for June 12, 1994:  Buy beer.  Murder wife.  This surprised me as I don’t normally drink beer.  But there it was in black and white.  I’m a man of my word and if I wrote that I was going to murder my wife then I murdered my wife.”

Knowledge of his guilt has brought remorse to Simpson.  “I want to apologize to columbian drug lords and  the town of Lagrange, New York.  I also want to apologize to one-armed men, Harrison Ford and pizza delivery boys throughout this great land of ours.”

O.J. also said that he feels a newfound sense of inner peace.  “My philosophy has alway been ‘try anything once’ and since I know that I have already murdered I can check that off my list of things to do.  Trust me.  My cellmate and I get along much better now.”

Simpson’s only regret is finding himself back in jail.  “I find that I really don’t enjoy making license plates and the anal sex was more fun on the outside.  What I need is a good lawyer, like that Cochran fellow.”

When informed that Johnnie Cochran was dead, Simpson gasped, “No!  Well it wasn’t me!  At least I think it wasn’t me.  Let me check my calendar.”


One Response

  1. Ro says:

    <p>Glad to hear it wasn’t the Manhattan Infidel… I can now put my fears to rest after all these years.</p>

    Thank you for your concern. The Manhattan Infidel would once again like to disclaim any and all involvement in said murder. Wait a minute, whose glove is this?

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