Browsing the blog archives for May, 2009
A new survey conducted by the Pew Research Group has found that an astonishing 75% of dead people expressed some dissatisfaction with their lives. Among the complaints are lack of career advancement, bad working conditions, time away from family and faulty infrastructure. “We were really surprised by the results of our poll” says researcher Dave […]
Area resident John Blocker, hoping to spice up his life and meet new friends held a wine and cheese social at his place and was profoundly disappointed with the results. “What a bunch of boring tightasses” he said. “This was worse than my last party – the insurance adjuster-themed party. That was a disaster. I […]
It has been learned that Congress has authorized the waterboarding of Jimmy Brown, 12, of Scriba New York. Brown, a “notorious bully” was known around the playground of his school for beating up bookworms and stealing their lunch money. While this was tolerated (“The bookworms had it coming” said one teacher) it was felt that […]
From his perch atop a tree near a large lake, “Ralph” a mature Bald Eagle proudly showed off his new hair weave. “Yeah, It looks great doesn’t it? All my friends were skeptical and kept telling me ‘Don’t do it. You look fine. You look distinguished.’ But I say, hey, if it’s going to make […]
The Supreme Court today ruled that the Resurrection violates the due process clause of the 14th Amendment and is therefore unconstitutional. In his majority opinion, Chief Justice John Roberts declared “We are called upon to make a decision on a most important matter. We find that the promised resurrection violates the due process clause of […]
His fingers stained from nicotine Tickle Me Elmo clutched a whiskey filled flask. “I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of kids always wanting to tickle me. I mean, it’s in my contract that if they squeeze me once I have to ‘chortle’….whatever the hell a chortle is. If they squeeze me three times in […]
“Thou shalt findest a park in the Bronx useth by the working class residents thereof; Thall shalt condemn thy park and buildeth a baseball stadium which thou shalt calleth “Thy New Yankee Stadium” and thou shalt watcheth as baseballs fly outeth of park. Thy fans shall rejoice exceedingly.” 1 Manhattan Infidel 3.15 So today I […]
In shocking news today the beloved Geico gecko, long know for his advocacy of car insurance, was captured and sadistically, ritually tortured before finally being killed by a house cat. Sources say that around 2:25 this afternoon as he was driving his car the gecko stopped and rang the doorbell of Mrs. Wanda Simmons, 75, […]
With the Fred Flintstone murder trial weeks away, the City of Bedrock is bitterly divided. What was once a simple murder trial has become a mirror into the attitudes of Bedrockians. And, it seems, there are two Bedrocks: One cro-magnon and one neanderthal. Fred Flintstone is a neanderthal, born of a neanderthal family that had […]
A recent study of children raised on Mars has come to the conclusion that it is no place to raise a kid. The isolated conditions, cold climate and lack of creature comforts have lead to an astonishing juvenile delinquency rate. Studies have found that 45% of children from Mars go on to commit robbery, rape […]