Study Finds Mars Ain’t No Place to Raise a Kid

Mars - threatened by global warmingA recent study of children raised on Mars has come to the conclusion that it is no place to raise a kid.   The isolated conditions, cold climate and lack of creature comforts have lead to an astonishing juvenile delinquency rate.  Studies have found that 45% of children from Mars go on to commit robbery, rape or murder.  Of those committing murder or other violent crimes a shocking 73% went on to play in the NFL.  The other 27% either died at hands of Martian Warlords or ended up as Principals in inner city schools.

“It’s no wonder Earthlings have such a bad reputation on Mars” declared Marvin the Martian.  “This used to be a good neighborhood until the humans moved in.”

With a median temperature of 32 degrees fahrenheit during summer and minus 100 degrees during winter children often have no opportunity for healthy social interaction.  Most of their time is spent indoors complaining about how Mars is “cold as hell” and watching reruns of American Idol.  There is little adult supervision of children on Mars as the parents are often busy 5 days a week flying rockets.  As a result youth gangs are rampant.  The most notorious  gang, “The Humans” would attack native martians with baseball bats.  At first, the martians thought this was an Earth greeting  and would volunteer to be bashed.  “We thought we were being good neighbors” says one martian.  “How were we to know they were just a–holes”.  A rival gang to “The Humans”, the “Predator Catchers” would attack martians by posing as 13 year old girls and offering iced tea and cookies.  Still another gang, “The Ralph Kramdens” would terrorize martians by threatening to beat them senseless and send them “straight to the moon.”  “The Putins” would stab martians with umbrellas laced with poison and “The Contractors” would offer to fix the computers of martians but then transfer their calls to a help desk in India.

Many martians, fed up with the violence but morally opposed to retribution would hire mercenaries to attack the humans.  One such notorious mercenary, Duck Dodgers promised to destroy the humans with his famous disintegration gun, telling his employers that when his “gun disintegrates, boy it disintregrates!”  Mr. Dodgers proved unsuccessful and later moved on to fight teen gangs on Jupiter.

However, hope may be on the way for the human youth on Mars.  A stimulus package was approved in the Senate that promises to create thousands of “green” jobs on the red planet.  Martians may soon have to get used to the sight of windmill farms manned by former gang members.  “I guess that’s better than being beaten with a baseball bat” said one martian.


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