It has been learned that Congress has authorized the waterboarding of Jimmy Brown, 12, of Scriba New York.  Brown, a “notorious bully” was known around the playground of his school for beating up bookworms and stealing their lunch money.  While this was tolerated (“The bookworms had it coming” said one teacher) it was felt that Brown stepped over the line when, in an act of cruelty, he stole Julie Phelp’s favorite Barbie Doll and hid it from her.  Responding immediately to the crisis, Congress passed the Protection of Future Cheerleaders Act (U.S. PFC 2274) which authorized “enhanced methods” to deal with threats to cheerleaders.

In a rare display of bipartisanship, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) stood side by side to announce the passage of the act.

“We must protect our cheerleaders” said Reid.  “They are as American as baseball, apple pie and bailouts.”

McConnell followed with “I have great love and affection for cheerleaders.  Most of my DVD collection consists of clips of cheerleaders in action.”

From his home in Idaho, former Senator Larry Craig asked “Are these male cheerleaders we are protecting?”  before stating that the protection of female cheerleaders was a waste of taxpayer money.

Meanwhile back in Scriba the FBI picked up Brown as he was walking to school.

“We were able to get him in the van by saying ‘hey kid, want to see pictures of naked girls?’  Once he was in the van we blindfolded him and to further confuse him played an audiotape of Vin Diesel reading Shakespeare’s soliloquys.  He started crying and asking for his mommy” declared the agent in charge of the operation.

The van pulled into an abandoned warehouse that had been taken over by the FBI.  Agents strapped Brown to a board, placed a cloth over his head and poured water over him while asking him repeatedly where the Barbie Doll was.

“Once out of the van and no longer forced to hear Vin Diesel, Brown regained his strength somewhat. The kid put up a brave front, telling us that his daddy could beat up our daddy.  Just to prove Brown wrong we picked up his father and had him beaten unconscious.  This broke him and he gave up the location of the Barbie Doll.”

The doll was retrieved from the bottom of a creek and given back to a happy Julie Phelps.  She hugged her doll tightly at the press conference announcing the end of the crisis.

“No one likes using enhanced tactics like this” said Reid.  “But in the War Against Bullies all options are on the table.  We must stamp out bullies so we can raise the self-esteem of the children of America.  Isn’t that what education is all about? Raising self-esteem?”

Meanwhile Julie Phelps faces an uncertain future.  The pain and horror of having her doll stolen will haunt her for years and she has been ordered to attend counseling and self-esteem workshops.

Jimmy Brown was spanked by his mother and forced to watch a non “Fast and Furious” Vin Diesel movie.

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