Area resident John Blocker, hoping to spice up his life and meet new friends held a wine and cheese social at his place and was profoundly disappointed with the results.

“What a bunch of boring tightasses” he said.  “This was worse than my last party – the insurance adjuster-themed party.  That was a disaster.  I wanted to try something else and I saw an article in ‘Redbook’ that said this would be a good idea.”

Blocker knew his party was in trouble shortly after the guests arrived.  Of the guests, 41 percent were college professors who wanted to talk about the use of palindromes in “Terminator Salvation”, 32 percent were schizophrenics who thought they were at an open casting call for “American Idol”, 20 percent were grapes angry at the murder of their fellow grapes to make wine and 7 percent were teenage boys who thought Wine and Cheese was a new stripper/musical group like the Pussycat Dolls.

“What a fun bunch” Blocker remarked sarcastically.  “The professors scared the schizophrenics who in turn scared the teenage boys.  The worst of the bunch were the grapes.  Every time someone took a sip of wine they were all over them.  ‘That glass of wine you’re sipping was my brother’ they’d say.  Then they’d shout ‘murderer, murderer, murderer!  Some of the grapes became suicide bombers and threw themselves against the walls of my apartment.  Have you ever tried to get grape stains out?”

Blocker was forced to end his party early.

“I threw everyone out.  I had hopes for this party.  This really bums me up.  If life is going to be this boring I might as well up and move to Staten Island.”

Blocker’s experience is sadly typical.  According to the American Institute of Party Statistics (AIPS), wine and cheese parties rank just below dinner with your in-laws, root canal appreciation and decorating with phlegm as some of the least favorite party ideas.

The regional director for the AIPS states that “We have been discouraging wine and cheese parties for years.  It’s a bad idea that keeps sticking around.  Wine and cheese parties refuse to die, like the ’70s and cast reunions of ‘Facts of Life.’ ”

“Boy have I learned my lesson” said Blocker.  “Next party I have it’s nothing but hookers and blow…..and cheese.”

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