“Thou shalt findest a park in the Bronx useth by the working  class residents thereof;  Thall shalt condemn thy park and buildeth a baseball stadium which thou shalt calleth “Thy New Yankee Stadium” and thou shalt watcheth as baseballs fly outeth of park.  Thy fans shall rejoice exceedingly.”

1 Manhattan Infidel 3.15

So today I went to Yankee Stadium to see the Yankees play the Baltimore “Yeah, we suck.  We know it” Orioles.  I got there early to take a walk throughout the new stadium.  Note to civil rights lawyers:  Why do the fans in the box seats have a much larger selection of beers to choose from than the denizens of the bleachers?

The mysterious and often commented upon winds of the new stadium were in full evidence.  I think this explains the presence of the 1000 grates of steel all over the stadium:  they prevent unsuspecting fans from being lifted off into the jet stream never to be seen again.  You’d think that because the new stadium is just across the street from the old one nothing dramatic would change.  I guess it’s a mystery only solved by faith or the writers of “Lost.”

Anyway onto the game.  The Yankees hot on the heels of a 6-game winning streak put CC “I ate my initials” Sabathia on the mound.  CC was dominant pitching 7 innings and giving up 3 hits and 1 run while striking out 7.  Out of shape men throughout the tri-state area took comfort and burned their gym memberships.

The game was a pitcher’s duel through the first 6 1/2 inning as the Yankees held to a precarious 2-1 lead. However, in the 7th the Yankees (aka “The Forces of Truth and Justice and the American Way”) blew the game open, scoring 7 runs on 6 hits.  Hideki “The ever moving mole on my face” Matsui led off and grounded out to 1st.   Then Nick “Traded by July” Swisher and Robinson “Brain lock” Cano had back-to-back walks.  Melky “Got melk?” Cabrera singled followed by a Francisco “Venezuela been very good to me” Cervelli fielder’s choice.  Derek “Past my prime but still beloved” Jeter doubled, Johnny “Invincible hair” Damon singled and Mark “Sold my soul” Teixeira homered into a friendly jet stream.

Final score:  Yankees 9 Orioles 1.

Highlights:

I have put ads on my blog.  For some reason Google insists on prominently displaying ads for “Red Sox tickets.”  I have decided to hunt down Google executives and use enhanced interrogation techniques until they stop this.

There seems to be a competition among Yankee outfielders as to who can get the most cheers from the bleacher creatures during the roll call.  Johnny Damon was the favorite as he would get down on one knee and point to the fans when his name was called.  Nick Swisher upped the ante by turning and saluting the fans as his name is called.   Not to be outdone, centerfielder Melky Cabrera actually donned a surgical mask and assisted a pregnant woman with a caesarean.

Best heckle of the night:  Maybe the new stadium isn’t conducive to witty heckles but tonight the best heckle was the tried and true “show us your tits” directed towards a comely young thing in the box seats. Unfortunately, Oriole right fielder Nick Markakis thought we meant him and turned around and showed us his mammalian proturberances. The bleacher creatures were not amused.

Home runs:  Mark Teixeira and Alex Rodriguez (who just missed a second home run  in the 8th that landed just short of the centerfield wall.)

Reader mail:  H.S. of Queens New York but formerly of Albania writes, “I like the Mets.  Is this normal?”   No.  Definately not.  Get yourself checked out.  Now.  Before it’s too late.

J.B. of Chicago, Illinois writes “For the last time, I hate baseball.  Stop sending me updates on the Yankees.”  I suspect J.B. is a Met fan.

T.S. of Long Island City writes “As a struggling cuban-american artist with a profound love of baseball I find that my financial situation often finds me unable to watch baseball.  What can I do to rectify this?”   That’s simple:  Prostitution.

Anyway, my record this year stands at 2-1.  My next Yankee game will be Monday June 8th against the Tampa Bay “We were good last year” Rays.  Go Yankees!

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