From his perch atop a tree near a large lake, “Ralph” a mature Bald Eagle proudly showed off his new hair weave.

“Yeah, It looks great doesn’t it?  All my friends were skeptical and kept telling me ‘Don’t do it.  You look fine.  You look distinguished.’  But I say, hey, if it’s going to make you feel better go ahead and do it.  And let me tell you – the female eagles really dig me now.  I’m the stud of the neighborhood.”

Indeed he did look strikingly different from the image of Bald Eagles one sees in National Geographic specials.  Instead of the white top he now sports a long flowing mane of dark hair that partially covers his eyes.

“Do you like it?  It makes me look swarthy and mysterious” he said.

I asked him why he felt compelled to get the hair weave.

“I was trying to impress a woman” he confessed meekly.  “But that’s not the only reason.  I was competing with younger birds in the neighborhood.  I had to make myself relevant.  A good resume only goes so far.  Everyone judges you by looks.  It’s not fair but that’s how it is.”

I followed up with a question about side effects and if there is anything that he thought would be different.

“Well, I imagined myself soaring majestically through the air on thermal convection currents, my long flowing mane waving in the breeze.  But unfortunately the weave means I am no longer aerodynamic.  I tried flying but fell straight to the ground and landed flat on my face. It was like I was doing an impression of Roger Clemen’s credibility.  And they don’t tell you in the brochure that you have to go in every month and get your weave tightened.  I didn’t know that at first.  After 2 months my weave was hanging off my head at a 45 degree angle.  I had to put on a hat to cover it up.”

I asked him what he told people.

“I just told everybody I was Justin Timberlake.  So I eventually went in for the weave-tightening.  Damn those are expensive.  I have to do this every month for the rest of my life?  And it’s painful too.  Between the bleeding and the needles…….I tell you.  But I guess it’s worth it.”

Any other problems that you have noticed?

“Well, now with my dark hair everyone thinks I’m Italian.  The FBI is watching me.  I was handed a subpoena the other day.  What the hell is the RICO Act?  People keep giving me money to hand to someone named Don Corleone.  For the last time.  I am not Italian.  I am a bird!”

As I was about to leave I couldn’t resist telling him that he could have avoided all of this.  The word “Bald” in Bald Eagle is short for “piebald” and refers to the white head and tail feathers that contrast with the rest of the body.

“What?  Crap!  I signed a contract.  I have to keep this damn weave for 2 years.  Well, contract or no contract it’s coming off!”

As I left him he was furiously attacking the weave with his beak, trying to rip it off.  He must have been successful because as I left the woods I heard him cry, “Damn that stings.  Will someone get me a couple Band-Aids?”

(1380)