New Survey Finds Many Dead Dissatisfied With Life

Many dead people find it difficult to advance in lifeA new survey conducted by the Pew Research Group has found that an astonishing 75% of dead people expressed some dissatisfaction with their lives.  Among the complaints are lack of career advancement, bad working conditions, time away from family and faulty infrastructure.

“We were really surprised by the results of our poll” says researcher Dave Jones.  “We expected a much higher degree of satisfaction.  We asked direct questions and they gave us honest answers.”

The most common complaint was a feeling of frustration at lack of career advancement.   Typical is the story of Marco Lombardo who was interviewed on the 3rd terrace of Purgatory.

“I’ve been dead for over 700 years but I’m still stuck on the 3rd terrace.  I’m getting kind of bored with it.  You try walking around for 700 years in acrid smoke.  It’s hard on the lungs.  I have no idea when or if I’ll get promoted.  I mean, when I died promises were made to me!  I should have become a Muslim like my mother wanted.”

The Emperor Justinian, from the 2nd sphere of Paradise echoed similar sentiments.

“I’ve been here for 1500 years.  It looks like I’ll always be here.  No chance of moving up.  No chance of getting a better seat at the Empyrean.  I think I’d have better luck getting one of those $2500 dollar seats at the New Yankee Stadium.  I mean, I don’t want to seem like I’m complaining but really!”

Bad working conditions were a common complaint among the dead in Hell.  From the 6th  circle of Hell, Farinata degli Uberti voiced his concerns.

“I’ve been dead 800 years and this entire time I’ve been trapped in this flaming tomb.  It kind of hurts.  I think OSHA might have something to say about this.  I guess it’s my job to burn here but you’d think I’d get a day off every now and then.  But no, nothing.  Nada in all this time.  What am I?  A contractor? And I got family in Heaven and they aren’t allowed to visit me?  What’s the deal with that? Hey, what’s happening on ‘Lost’?  Is Locke really dead?”

Perhaps the most surprising complaint from many of the dead has to do with crumbling infrastructure and faulty equipment.

From the base of Mt. Purgatory, King Harry of England said “Do you know how many avalanches I’ve had to escape the past 1000 years?  I think somebody who shall remain nameless might want to take a look at that.”

In the Empyrean in Heaven the dead were recently given new laptops with the Windows Vista operating system.  St. Bernard expressed his frustration.  “Every time I  look up a soul’s information  I get the blue screen. I had to back up everything, reformat my drive and install updates.  Why didn’t they give us Macintoshes?”

Voicemails to God have so far been left unanswered.


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