U.S. Supreme Court Declares Resurrection Unconstitutional

Power mad people in robesThe Supreme Court today ruled that the Resurrection violates the due process clause of the 14th Amendment and is therefore unconstitutional.

In his majority opinion, Chief Justice John Roberts declared “We are called upon to make a decision on a most important matter.  We find that the promised resurrection violates the due process clause of the 14th Amendment as it unfairly discriminates against Jews, Muslims and whatever they worship in Japan and San Francisco.  They have nice sushi in Japan don’t they?  I’ve never been to San Francisco.  Do you really think Barry Bonds used steroids? He has a nice scalp.”

The announcement today came as a surprise to many, particularly as the Supreme Court did not even have the case on its docket.  The court had been hearing oral arguments in the morning when Justice Clarence Thomas broke out laughing saying “Dude, he said oral.”  The other justices also started laughing and declared an immediate 3-hour lunch break.  They then retired to Chief Justice Robert’s office and locked the door.  Interns reported hearing loud laughter and Grateful Dead music as well as the smell of marijuana.

After the 3-hour “lunch break” the justices emerged looking slightly unsteady.  Justice Souter kept staring at his hands and mumbling “I can see all the atoms……I can see all the atoms”  before telling reporters that they “are filled with bad karma.”

Justice Alito ripped off his robes, stripped down to his underwear and curled up in a fetal position, telling everyone that he “wanted to go back into the womb.”

The remaining judges minus Alito took their seats on the bench.  Chief Justice Roberts then declared that “In the case of the United States vs. God we find that the resurrection violates the due process clause of the 34th amendment.”

Justice Thomas interrupted him by saying “We don’t have a 34th amendment whitey……wow, I said whitey” before collapsing into hysterics.

From the White House President Obama told reporters “That must be some strong shit I gave them.”

When reached for comment, God, who was playing golf with Regis Philbin said “I expect this type of behavior from Biden, but not the Supreme Court!”  He also promised to fight the ruling by any means possible.  “Hey, if I have to smite, I’ll smite.”

After announcing their decision the justices retired again for “munchies and George Harrison CDs.”



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