Serial Killer Convention Ends in Violence

The Plaza Hotel, site of the First Annual Serial Killer Convention and BarbequeFrom the 50 states, Canada and Europe serial killers from around the globe met in New York City at the First Annual Serial Killer Convention and Barbeque to discuss the future of their industry.  With much of the world suffering from the economic downturn the serial killer business has perhaps been one of the hardest hit.

“People just aren’t traveling as much anymore” says John Fisher, who claims 26 kills in 18 states over a period of 7 years.  “That’s where I get my victims.  I’d pretend I was a salesman and hang out at motels along thruways. My last trip I had nothing. The motel was half empty.  Not even any potential victims. And believe me, If I’m going to put on plaid pants and talk about roofing and siding for 3 hours I had better get some bang for my buck.”

Paul Jones who has 12 kills in 5 states over 3 years agrees.  “People just aren’t spending money.  My favorite ruse was to get a job delivering pizza.  You’d be surprised how many potential victims you’d find that way.  But now, people aren’t ordering out.  They are eating leftovers.   I don’t want to get mixed up in politics – I’m just a killer after all – but this stimulus bill better work.  My livelihood depends on it.  I have expenses just like everyone else.  And do you think I’m making money from this?  No.  I do it for love. ”

Money was one of the main topics of the convention with the first day being devoted to the pros and cons of corporate sponsorship.  George Adams (8 confirmed kills in 2 states over 5 years) comes down on the pro side of the question.  “It seems a little tacky at first.   But my sponsorship deal with Amway means I am able to go farther in my travels and further in my artistry.”

The other main topic of conversation (and sore spot) was continued competition from mass murderers.  “We are losing market share to these upstarts” claims Pete Young (5 murders in 2 states over 1 year).  “I go to schools and all the kids want to be mass murderers.  They are considered ‘cool’.  No one even talks about serial killers anymore.  We often spend months planning just one murder.  For us it’s about the art.   Mass murderers kill 10 people at once and they want our respect?  They are lazy.  That’s what they are.  I don’t even want to associate with them.  That’s how low they are in my opinion.”

The convention was uneventful until the 3rd day when 12 dead bodies were discovered in the hotel.  All victims were found in one room tied up with bullet wounds to the back of the head.  Police immediately arrested all participants in the Serial Killer Convention.

“You see what I mean.  This really steams me up” said Jones.  “They arrested us first, no questions asked.  I finally convinced  them ‘Hey, 12 dead bodies overnight?  That’s not us.  That’s the work of a mass murderer.  You should be looking in New Jersey for the culprit.’ “

The convention disbanded in chaos with plans for next year’s meeting unfinished.

“I’ll tell you one thing” said Fisher, “Next year we are meeting somewhere else like Detroit or Atlanta.  New York’s too dangerous.  A person could get killed!”

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