Yankees Announce Perks for Box Seat Holders

Yankees celebrate another meaningless winConcerned that seats would remain vacant because of the economy, Yankee President Randy Levine held a press conference from his office deep within Hell to announce a series of perks that will be offered to those sitting in box seats.

“We appreciate that if our fans are paying upwards of $3000  they expect more for their money.” 

Levine then went into details.

“Security and NYPD who patrol the stadium have been instructed to strike with their nightsticks box seat holders only to the point of blood emerging from an orifice.”   However, said Levine, current policy of dragging  fans sitting in the bleachers beneath the stands and beating them until they lose consciousness will remain in effect.

Also, beer in box seats will be only “moderately watered down and not 95% sewage as in other sections.”

Levine went on to state plans for interaction between players and fans.   “It is important to us that customers  feel that the Yankees are ‘their team’ and respect them.  Accordingly, those sitting in box seats will get free golden showers from Yankee players on days when the temperature is over 90.”  Here he admitted Yankee laxity in the past. “We haven’t had a Yankee who enjoyed this since Gary Sheffield but the new kid Teixeira is promising.  The arc on his stream is a thing of beauty.”

“And I suppose we’ll have to give out a few baseballs to the fans” he continued.  “We already have an intern at work forging signatures.  We are also excited to announce that  during the 7th inning stretch a fan sitting in the bleachers will be chosen at random and strapped to an electric chair  at 2nd base.  Those in the box seats will have a chance to vote ‘thumbs up’ or ‘thumbs down‘.  If it’s thumbs down he will be executed.  Thumbs up and he will be sent to labor in our underground salt mines.”

A reporter asked him if that was constitutional.   An enraged Levine had one of his minions rip off the reporter’s arm and bring it to him.  Then with a “manly Yankee yell”  he drank blood from the arm and chewed on the tendons before throwing it away.

“What do you want?  We’re not the Mets” he screamed to terrified onlookers.

The press conference then broke up and reporters were ushered out the door and given pens inscribed with the number “27”, a reference to the Yankees continued hunt for another World Series title.



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