Turn Out the Lights: Earth Hour Leads to Dramatic Increase in Crime, Property Damage

A lightbulb - the cause of mankind’s woeEarth Hour was intended to highlight the problem of global warming.  What it did instead was lead to a rise in criminal activity  throughout our area (with the notable exception of the heavily Italian section of Todt Hill in Staten Island).

At precisely 8:30 PM local time lights went out throughout the New York City.  Unfortunately in a bit of bad planning by organizers traffic lights were included.  Within seconds Manhattan was a scene of carnage and twisted steel as cars rammed into each other.  Police were at a loss for words.

“One car rear ends a car which is the plowed into by another car. Cars were piled up on top of each other.  Survivors were trying to crawl from the wreckage only to be picked off by still more cars.  It was like I was on the New Jersey Turnpike” says Officer Julio Rodriguez of the 13th Precinct.

After a few minutes when the last car left undamaged in the City was destroyed came the 2nd phase of the hour:  widespread looting and destruction of property.  Bands of thugs, murderers, rapists, and independent contractors roamed the streets picking off targets.  Jewelry was ripped off women.  Ipods were brutally snatched from hands. Laptops were taken, sometimes with stubborn owners still clinging to the carrying case.  One man had his wife stolen, though oddly he declined to press charges.

Many who thought that it could not get worse were horrified at the 3rd phase of the hour as in the darkness of Manhattan city streets turned into a giant groping festival.  Screams of horror rent the night as fondled and abused women ran for safety.  Bridges were clogged when women fleeing to the outer boroughs collided with middle aged white men desperately trying to get into Manhattan to join the action. The night’s low point however had to be when a man walking his white pit bull down 3rd avenue reported that it too was fondled.

“What sort of sick twisted individual gets his kicks from molesting a dog” cried the owner.  Speaking through interpreters, the pit bull said “I felt violated.  I felt humiliated.  I want it to happen again.”

New York City was not alone in its carnage.  In Paris the Eiffel Tower was stolen.  French President Nicolas Sarkozy said “We turn out zee the lights and poof!  Zee tower is gone.  We blame zee Germans.  We have given them 24  hours to return zee tower.  Then we will give them another 24 hours.  After that we will surrender.”

Precisely an hour later lights were turned back on throughout the City revealing scenes of carnage that horrified residents:  Overturned cars, buildings on fire, gangs roaming the streets.  “You would have though the Detroit Pistons won another championship” said one witness.

Mayor Bloomberg after touring the devasted city announced a 6,000 percent sin tax on Starbucks Coffee and the Sunday New York Times which he hopes will cover the damages.

This did not stop the local head of the World Wildlife Fund, which sponsored Earth Hour to declare the event a giant success.

“Next year we intend to expand it to ‘Earth Week’ “ he said.  However, shortly after announcing this members from the Todt Hill Social Club  interrupted the press conference, grabbed the WWF leader and placed him in a black car and drove off to Staten Island.  He has never been seen again.

A spokesman for the social club said “We have no idea what you are talking about.  We have never even seen the leader of the World Wildlife Fund.  Now why don’t you be a good boy and mind your own business?”


Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>