Jabba the Hutt Hospitalized With Osteoporosis

My bones are brittle.

My bones are brittle.

Notorious crime lord Jabba the Hutt was hospitalized today with what doctors are describing as an “extreme case of osteoporosis.”

Doctors are surprised that the 600 year old Hutt has been stricken, as being overweight usually is one factor in not contracting  the disease. “Let’s face it, he’s not svelte” says Dr. Lionel Train of County Medical.  “We even had to find a special bed for someone of his girth.”

However, Hutt does have several other classic risk factors:  Excess alcohol intake, consumption of tobacco, physical inactivity and hypogonadalism.  “We were doing a workup on the patient and discovered that he drank 3 bottles of red wine a day.  He’s a cigar smoker and when we asked him was his diet was he replied ‘burgers, burgers, an occasional kowakian monkey-lizard, and more burgers.’  That diet alone would explain the greasy discharge from his body.  Also, he is taking medication for his hypogonadalism resulting from the removal of one of his testes following cancer surgery.  Needless to say, Mr. Hutt will have to change his lifestyle if he wants to see 601 years.”

Mr.  Hutt  has several fragility fractures of the rib, hip and waist as well as severe radiculopathic pain with resultant reduction in mobility.  “I knew it was time for a checkup when I had Princess Leia wear that bikini.  God she was hot but I was in too much pain to reach out and slobber all over her” says Jabba.

Hutt’s hospitalization is the latest blow to inflict the once-omnipotent crime lord.    The Federal Government announced today that they intend to indict Hutt under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act (RICO).

“Mr. Hutt has engaged in a series of activities over the years that can only be characterized as racketeering” declared Attorney General Eric Holder at a press conference announcing the indictment.  “These include murder, kidnapping, bribery, extortion, drug trafficking,  money laundering and helping wookiees illegally gain entrance to the United States.”

Holder also announced that Hans Solo has been granted immunity in return for providing evidence against Hutt. “Mr. Solo for years was one of the top smugglers in the Hutt crime organization and his testimony will no doubt help put him behind bars.”

There are more problems for the Underworld Kingpin.  The Environmental Protection Agency is seeking an indictment against Hutt for eating kowakian monkey-lizards, which is a protected species.

Jabba the Hutt maintains his innocence and is confident the charges will be dropped.  “I’m just a businessman providing a valuable service for the masses”


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