CSPAN announced today an ambitious plan to increase it flagging ratings.   “We found that people watched CSPAN to cure insomnia.  Many Central American Republics forced dissidents to watch us as an alternative to placing electrodes on genitalia.  Dentists who were low on novocaine would put us on in hopes of lulling their patients to sleep.  This is not what we intended” says CSPAN’s new director of marketing Ted Daltrey.  “We were hoping people would watch us to find out how their government functions.”

Starting next week there will be drastic changes in programming and content.  Long shots of elected officials conferring with each other are out.  Scantily clad dancers are in.  Senators and representatives will also have to compete in physical challenges with losers leaving Capitol Hill.  “I’m very excited about that one in particular” says Daltrey.  “I think viewers will turn in each week to see who has been voted off.  It works for ‘Survivor’ and ‘American Idol’ and I think it will work for us.”

Casting calls have already been announced for the new “CSPAN Gold Dancers.”  “During votes and quorum calls they will jump up on desks, dance around a little bit and throw t shirts into the balcony.”

Also out are long-running series such as “America and the Courts”, “Booknotes”, “Q&A” and “Road to the White House”.  Replacing them will be “Senators and Hookers: An American Tradition”, “Tie me up Tie me Down:  Congressman and Pages”,  “Lincoln’s Black Lover” and “Capitol Hill After Hours:  Where’s the Blow?”

“We are also in talks with MTV about a joint production along the lines of ‘The Surreal Life.’  We think viewers will be fascinated by conservative republicans and liberal democrats living in the same house together.”

When asked to comment on the proposed changes, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said “I do not think this is particularly appropriate.  We are in a crisis situation and we need to move – did you say hookers?”  Democratic Senators Pat Leahy and Harry Reid could not be reached as they are currently following The Dead on tour.

Daltrey also announced that if the changes are successful they intend to expand their programming to include “Live from Parliament:  The Prime Minister and Amy Winehouse” as well as a new weekly mystery series entitled “Putin Kills Another Dissident”.

“I am particularly proud of our new slogan:  ‘CSPAN:  Power, Pleasure and Sin.  This is Not Your Father’s Capitol Hill.’ 

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