Browsing the blog archives for September, 2015
Casper the Friendly Ghost announced today that he is entering rehab for “substance abuse and assorted emotional issues.” “I have let down my friends, both living and dead” said Casper. While the public knows Casper as a a personable ghost who loved children and tried be friends with all, sources report that behind the scenes […]
Newly-resigned speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) has been chosen to play the lead in a sequel to the Crying Game. “Hollywood is sequel happy right now” said a producer involved with the project. So when we green-lighted this project the most important part for everyone was getting the casting right. We first thought of […]
Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Star Ship Enterprise, pride of Star fleet, is experiencing issues connecting to the WiFi in his ready room. The problems for Picard began when Star Fleet upgraded the WiFi on all their Starships. What follows is the transcript of the phone call, captured via Star Fleet’s new Cisco Finesse software […]
Disgraced former nightly news anchor Brian Williams, pictured here, made a triumphant return to television, anchoring the afternoon breaking news on NBC’s sister network, MSNBC. As his helicopter took flak from FOX news snipers located on building roofs along Sixth avenue, a ladder was lowered, and Williams, his bulging, glistening biceps exposed because of his shirtlessness, […]
In the latest embarrassment for the financially strapped Vatican, the Popemobile was ticketed by the NYPD during Pope Francis’ visit to New York City. As part of his visit the Pope was scheduled to give a mass at St. Patrick’s Cathedral on Fifth Avenue. The Popemobile was parked at the corner of 50th and Fifth and […]
A flash mob started by controversial itinerant Puerto Rican preacher Jesus (pronounced Hey-Zeus) was shut down by government authorities today when it was discovered that he had failed to apply for the proper permits. Sources report that Jesus had just finished saying “Blessed are the poor in spirit for they shall inherit the Earth” when […]
The Blob has announced that he intends to go on a diet and join a gym. “It’s tough being me” said the Blob. I’m the only one of my species on this planet. I want to mate. To experience love. To feel the joy of two minds meeting. And one not being dissolved by the other. […]
Blogging. Is there a more rewarding occupation for a man who has never known the touch of a woman? But why write? It’s simple really. It’s a chance to communicate with other people. And sometimes my medication doesn’t show up on time. But since my medication has arrived I think I’ll take this opportunity to […]
As all my regular readers know, I had a long and passionate imaginary relationship with Olivia Wilde (pictured below.) Oh Olivia. I will always remember our imaginary nights together. The imaginary walks along the beach. The imaginary dinners. The imaginary gifts. The imaginary passionate sex. Yes, it’s your turn to spank me. I’ve been a […]
Pope Francis made another heroic move to modernize the Catholic church by announcing the streamlining of the annulment process. “Many Catholics still see marriage as a sacred institution” said the Vatican Secretary of State Cardinal Pietro Parolin. We have a word for Catholics such as this: backward and out of touch. Fortunately Pope Francis is […]