I cry!

Newly-resigned speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) has been chosen to play the lead in a sequel to the Crying Game.

“Hollywood is sequel happy right now” said a producer involved with the project.

So when we green-lighted this project the most important part for everyone was getting the casting right. We first thought of Caitlyn Jenner obviously. She’s a very hot prospect in Hollywood right now. I haven’t seen this town so excited about a transsexual since Jan Michael Vincent. But as I said, Caitlyn is very hot.  Too hot for our budget. 

After a long and exhaustive search for a lead it was decided that Boehner would be perfect for the part.

Has anyone in the public eye cried more than him?  I mean anyone who isn’t on the Maury Povitch show and just found out that he isn’t the father? And Boehner now has time on his hands.  So we contacted him. His price was within our budget so we signed him up immediately.

The one problem?  Boehner has no balls.

Obviously that will raise productions costs a little.  CGI technology isn’t cheap. But we are sticking with Boehner. Even green screening in his balls is still cheaper than paying Caitlyn.  Besides no one believes Caitlyn is a woman.  Her voice is too manly. Boehner doesn’t have that problem.

After signing a contract Boehner was brought in for a screen test.

The first thing we asked him to do was lower his pants. And he started crying.

He’s a natural!

Right there in the screen test.  This guy is a natural! He was blobbering and crying. I mean we couldn’t get him to stop.  So obviously we’ll have plenty of footage to use. No problem there.  We then asked him if he’s have any objections to kissing a man on screen.  He didn’t even break a sweat. He just kept crying

Kiss me Harry!

while uttering the words “Harry Reid” over and over. I tell you, if this guy doesn’t win an Oscar that’s an injustice!

Executives who have seen Boehner’s screen test say that they haven’t seen such unaffected and natural crying since Tammy Faye Baker.

In fact if Tammy weren’t dead she’d have probably gotten the role. We thought about bringing her back from the dead but that would cost more than Caitlyn.

When informed that he had gotten the role, an emotional Boehner cried.

“You like me. You really like me!”

Production on the Crying Game, Part II is set to begin in January with a release date of Spring 2017.

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