Pope Francis Streamlines Annulment Process

You can go your own way, as Fleetwood Mac once said

You can go your own way, as Fleetwood Mac once said

Pope Francis made another heroic move to modernize the Catholic church by announcing the streamlining of the annulment process.

“Many Catholics still see marriage as a sacred institution” said the Vatican Secretary of State Cardinal Pietro Parolin.

We have a word for Catholics such as this: backward and out of touch.  Fortunately Pope Francis is not such a man. He believes, as all modern society does, that marriage can and should be ended when couples have great difficulty. Or when they become bored with each other. Or find a young trophy wife.

As part of the “Driving the Church into the Ground” initiative the compassionate Pope has released the following guidelines that will enable Catholics suffering from marriage to get an annulment:

For men:

  • If your wife has ever changed the channel on you while you were watching a hockey game
  • Does your wife nag you when you are trying to watch football on the weekend?
  • Is your wife five pounds overweight?
  • Is your wife getting a little old?
  • Would you rather have sex with one of the hot young girls in the office?
  • Is it Tuesday?
  • Is it Friday?
  • Is your wife Irish?
  • Don’t you want to do what the Protestants can do?  I mean look how well it worked for them.  Church attendance is overflowing.

For Women:

  • Is your spouse a man?

“These new rules are compassionate” explained Parolin.

Pope Francis is the Pope of compassion and it’s time to rethink the theology of marriage.  Why do people need a piece of paper anyway? By opening up the annulment process people will be able to get married again and still receive communion. As Jesus said, “”Lord, how often shall I get married and still receive communion? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”  I think he said that.  It’s been a long time since I read the bible.

Parolin promises that this is just the beginning of Church reform.

The Church has been around for 2000 years. This is a much different world than first century Palestine and we should adjust our values accordingly. Science, psychology and humanism have made great strides and we must adapt or risk losing even more members. We will be opening up the doors to communion.  Since science has proven that transubstantiation cannot be true and that communion is only a symbol everyone can receive it.  Non Catholics. Non Christians. Non Humans. Cats are God’s creatures. Once a cat reaches the age of reason they should be allowed to receive communion.

This cat has reached the age of reason and should be allowed to receive communion

This cat has reached the age of reason and should be allowed to receive communion

And yes, the new annulment rules apply to cats as well.

Also changed will be the doctrine of Purgatory.

Being the Pope of compassion Francis does not believe it is right that Catholics should have to purge so-called sins of the flesh. Henceforth the only sin that will land a Catholic in Purgatory will be a sin against the environment like driving an SUV or using a high flush toilet. You know tradition has it that Judas used a high flush toilet.

Parolin ended the press conference by announcing that from now on the Church will be officially called “The Democratic Socialist Roman Church.”

“Catholic was just too, well  non-inclusive” said Parolin.  “Trust me. These changes will make the Church stronger than ever.”

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3 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    This out of the closet socialist Papa Francis makes one long for the good old days of Rodrigo Borga.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      The press does seem to love this guy. Finally they have a socialist, pro-abortion, pro-gay marriage atheist Pope. He’s smart, just like them. Not like those other stupid Popes.

  2. petermc3 says:

    y lo mejor de todo lo que se habla español

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