All chicks see is my blobbiness. They don’t see the real me

The Blob has announced that he intends to go on a diet and join a gym.

“It’s tough being me” said the Blob.

I’m the only one of my species on this planet. I want to mate. To experience love. To feel the joy of two minds meeting. And one not being dissolved by the other.

The Blob further states that he has joined a few online dating sites but so far has been unsuccessful in his search for a life partner.

All women see is my external form.  They don’t see the real me. I like walks on the beach.  Well, I don’t have legs but I like rolling on the beach. I like to read and talk about my feelings. I mean that should count for something. Aren’t women always saying that they want a man who isn’t afraid to talk about his feelings. Well I do!  I can talk about my f*cking feeling all day sister!

The Blob then went on to relate one of his worst dates.

I met this one girl. She seemed nice. But when I met her she told me I was “blobbish” and needed to take care of my body. Then when I kissed her goodnight I accidentally ate and dissolved her. Okay so the eating and dissolving was my fault. You humans taste so damn good.  But she hurt me when she called me blobbish. Hey, I’m big boned. Well actually I have no bones.  I’m an alien amoeba but the point is a valid one.  This is just how my species looks. Humans are so obsessed with the superficial.

Decided that he has had enough rejection the Blob has vowed to go on diet and joined a gym.

If you can’t beat them, or eat and dissolve them, which is illegal on this planet, then join them. Today is the start of a new Blob. I’m dieting.  Eating healthy so I’ve removed high carb humans from my diet And I’ve joined a gym.  Granted they were a bit confused at first as to what to do with me.  I tried the treadmill but kept sliding off. And having no bones I wasn’t good at lifting barbells. The barbell instructor called me a flabby girl. So I ate and dissolved him. But I’m in the swing of it now and I think this gym thing will be good for me.  Already I feel tighter and more toned. At least I think I do. Having no internal organs it’s hard to tell.

The Blob also plans to change his name.

Blob is well, not an attractive name to women. It has too many negative connotations. So I’m getting rid of it.  I’m thinking maybe “Brad.”  Brad’s a sexy name.  Chicks dig Brad Pitt. So that’s a possibility.  Or Greg. But once I change my name the ladies better watch out.  I’m coming for them. And I promise not to eat and dissolve them. Well I promise not to dissolve them anyway if you know what I mean. I think you do.

The Blob has also announced that any “free spirited and open minded women” who are into “poetry, long talks about feelings and single cell amoebas” should text him.Though he cautions it might be hard for him to text back.

“I have no arms so that might present a problem.”

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