Sermon on the Mount Shut Down for Want of Permits

So much environmental destruction in one photo!

So much environmental destruction in one photo!

A flash mob started by controversial itinerant Puerto Rican preacher Jesus (pronounced Hey-Zeus) was shut down by government authorities today when it was discovered that he had failed to apply for the proper permits.

Sources report that Jesus had just finished saying “Blessed are the poor in spirit for they shall inherit the Earth” when SWAT teams from the Roman Department of Homeland Security, swords drawn, swooped in and arrested him.

“While the Roman government appreciates Jesus’ message of social justice and redistribution of wealth we cannot tolerate flash mobs such as this” said Homeland Security Secretary Jehius Johnsonius.

Our department is charged with the security of the Roman Empire. I don’t have to tell you that we live in dangerous times. Those who don’t share our values are threatening our borders every day. These hostile tribes thrive on the confusion and low morale caused by street preachers such as Jesus.

Jesus was then transported by a Roman legion to headquarters at the port city of Caesarea under heavy guard to await trial. He has been charged with 25 count of unlawful gathering without a permit under Department of Homeland Security statutes passed by the Roman senate after the last German uprising.

We take the security of Roman citizens very seriously. We must be proactive to remove all threats. I have read a scroll of Jesus’ speech and there are several sections that can only be described as a threat to the state. All that stuff about entering at the narrow gate, is Jesus giving our enemies instructions on how to enter our empire? Jesus will remain in prison along with his followers where he will no longer be a threat.

Homeland security was also forced to act after one of the loaves distributed by Jesus was eaten into the shape of a sword.

We have a strict zero tolerance policy towards incidents such as these. Do you know the panic one loaf of bread in that shape can cause?  And it sets a bad example. Other people might decide to eat their loaves into the shape of swords. Like I said, the government finds some of Jesus’ message agreeable.  Social justice, redistribution of wealth, tolerance for gays but if his followers are going to be so violent as to eat bread into shapes of swords then he must be silenced!

The Roman Department of Homeland Security is not the only government agency Jesus has run afoul of.  The Roman Department of Environmental Protection has also charged Jesus with destruction of wetlands.

“This sermon was in a protected wetland area” said EPA administrator Ginanius McCarthius.

As such this are falls under our jurisdiction. Our environment is our most sacred resource and this Jesus fellow destroyed this wetland. He let his followers trample on the grass! The grass that is here today and gone tomorrow! This cannot be tolerated.

The Roman Environmental Protection Agency has announced that Jesus will be fined 10,000 denarius a day until he restores the wetland to its previous condition.

As for Jesus he vows to fight on.

“You know who’s not blessed?  The government, that’s who!’



3 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    Bread, sword? Semite men eat taco shaped vaginas yet never has Roman Homeland Security challenged the Mexican government. It’s a double standard I tell you!

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