Manhattan Infidel Announces the Start of His Imaginary Relationship with Claire Danes

The new Olivia Wilde!

The new Olivia Wilde!

As all my regular readers know, I had a long and passionate imaginary relationship with Olivia Wilde (pictured below.)

This imaginary relationship just could not continue forever

This imaginary relationship just could not continue forever

Oh Olivia.  I will always remember our imaginary nights together.  The imaginary walks along the beach.  The imaginary dinners.  The imaginary gifts.  The imaginary passionate sex.  Yes, it’s your turn to spank me.  I’ve been a bad boy. But alas, I guess I just imagined we loved each other too much.  She left me for Jason Sudekis (pictured here)

Every woman's crazy about a sharp dressed man

Every woman’s crazy about a sharp dressed man

and it is time for me to move on.

And so, Claire Danes, you are my new imaginary girlfriend. Oh sure, I could get a real girlfriend. But remember, I am a blogger.  And getting a real girlfriend would entail actually putting on pants, leaving my apartment and meeting people. And when has a blogger ever done that?

I remember it like it was yesterday. I walked right up to Claire and I said, “Hello Claire.  My name is Manhattan Infidel. I have a blog and I have chosen you as my new imaginary girlfriend.”

Her face lit up.

Oh my god this can't be happening!

Oh my god this can’t be happening!

Recognizing that look of joy I then invited her back to my place. She seemed open to the idea.

Should I kill him now?

Should I kill him now?

Wanting the mood to be just right I then asked her if she wouldn’t mind doing that thing I liked. Her eyes lit up.  No doubt because she had always wanted a man to ask her to do that thing.

I"m going to be sick!

I”m going to be sick!

Because I didn’t want to seem to be coming on too strong I told her she could leave in the morning.

I feel dirty!

I feel dirty!

She liked that idea and thanked me for my kindness and for thinking about her needs.

I need to take a very long shower

I need to take a very long shower

Don’t worry I told her. You’ll enjoy your stay at Casa Manhattan Infidel. Just don’t step on any cat vomit or fur balls. And there will be no walk of shame for you.  I’ll pay for a taxi.

I have let down my friends, my family, everyone.

I have let down my friends, my family, everyone.

You see, as a blogger I am quite the imaginary ladies man. They love me.  They love my imaginary caresses

What the hell just touched me?

What the hell just touched me?

The whispering

I wish I were deaf

I wish I were deaf

The climax of our passion.

I'm joining a convent!

I’m joining a convent!

Yes, imaginary relationships take lots of effort. But when you’ve had as much experience as I have it comes easy.

Just a word of warning to my readers: Don’t touch Claire Danes. She is all mine.

Claire as I imagine her

Claire as I imagine her

And a word of warning to Claire: Break my heart and I will dump you and take up with Kirsten Dunst.

My back up imaginary girlfriend

My back up imaginary girlfriend

I am Manhattan Infidel. Imaginary ladies man.

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5 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    Hey Infidel, go to the bathroom and get a hold of yourself.

  2. petermc3 says:

    I feel your pain. No wait that’s my…

  3. LSP says:

    I’m quite jealous of your new, imaginary, girlfriend. But be careful, don’t cry out “Kirsten!” in moments of passion.

    I’d imagine Claire wouldn’t like that.

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