Browsing the blog archives for May, 2009
In shocking news it was confirmed that Superman has tested positive for controlled substances. The IBSSAAP (The International Board of Superheroes and Slightly Above Average People), the governing body of all superheroes announced the positive test today. “Naturally we are disappointed at the result. It taints the otherwise stellar career of one of the most beloved […]
People heard the screams before they saw him. A cry of “My ass. I’ve burned my ass off” filled the air. Then when they looked up people saw Air Force test pilot Captain Jake Brown plummet to the ground still attached to a new prototype jet pack. A jet pack that had unfortunately not performed […]
Today in Arizona Federal Marshals cornered, shot and killed a Carnivorous Vulgaris, commonly known to locals as Wile E. Coyote. Shortly before 9 AM marshals received a tip that Wile E. Coyote, one of the FBI’s most wanted, was seen on Interstate 10 near exit 17 chasing an Accerleratii Incredibus, also known as a “road […]
Tim Kring, creator of the NBC show “Heroes” announced today that Jimmy Carter will be joining the cast for Season Four. “I’m very happy to have Jimmy on the show” said Kring. “He will bring an additional element of evil.” Carter’s character will be given the power of malaise. “I am aware that not much […]
The recent Swine Flu pandemic that has panicked the world has been traced to its point of origin – rock group Pink Floyd. The W.H.O (no, not The Who, the ground breaking British rock quartet featuring Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey) but The W.H.O (World Health Organization) through their Director General Dr. Margaret Chan announced today […]
Today a jar of extra virgin olive oil, tired of being used and tossed aside by men took a purity oath as several other jars of olive oil looked on and cheered. “I am tired of being taken for granted. I am tired of men using me for my delicious flavor and then tossing me […]
Bacchus, Roman God of wine and intoxication has announced that he is entering rehab. “After much thought and deliberation I have made the painful decision that it is time to make a change in my life” the statement reads. “I’m 3000 years old and I just cannot party like I’m 2000 anymore. I cannot continue […]
“J.D. Drew takes it up the ass….doo dah. doo dah…J.D Drew takes it up the ass all the doo dah day” Being a Yankee fan, I am a man of tradition. One of the most glorious traditions in Yankee history is that whomever happens to be playing right field for the opposing team will be […]
Despite decades of denial, recently declassified memos have given tantalizing clues about the existence of aliens at Area 51. The memos cover a wide range from the mundane (how to find a conference room) to diet (aliens do not like pizza) to the esoteric (the reality of interspecies love). The first memo in the series […]
Wanting to gain information on why my retirement fund has disappeared faster than the New York Rangers hopes of winning a Stanley Cup, I traveled to Washington D.C. to meet with the Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner. I was expecting to be met at the door by a Treasury Employee only to find that […]