People heard the screams before they saw him.   A cry of “My ass.  I’ve burned my ass off” filled the air.  Then when they looked up people saw Air Force test pilot Captain Jake Brown plummet to the ground still attached to a new prototype jet pack.  A jet pack that had unfortunately not performed as expected, burning off Brown’s posterior, complete with his prized Frank Zappa tattoo.

“Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a test pilot” Brown said from his hospital bed.  “And when the Air Force asked me to test out their new jet pack I was thrilled.”  It was a thrill that would not last long.  After lifting off and rising to 100 feet Brown felt a sharp burning sensation from his backside.  “I thought it was the chicken quesadilla I had for lunch but I soon realized the angle of my ascent was causing the rocket fuel from the jet pack to burn into my skin.” Brown tried to make adjustments to no avail as his flesh continued to burn.  First responders were horrified by what they saw.  “His ass was burned right off. Nothing but scar tissue and bone.  It looked like Michael Jackson’s face.”

Brown was rushed to the hospital but efforts to save his backside were unsuccessful. He now faced life permanently unable to sit down.  Brown found himself ostracized.  Former colleagues called him “Assless Jake” behind his back and the sight of Brown painfully hobbling down the street with his walker became common.

“How’d you like to not be able to sit down ever?  I tried once but kept sliding off the chair.  I have to sleep on my stomach.  When I take a shower I have to cover what used to be my butt so it doesn’t get wet.”

That was until the Air Force decided to try new experimental ass replacement surgery.  “We found a donor who had recently died and transplanted his butt onto Captain Brown” says Dr. Albert Reilly who performed the surgery.  “There were plenty of surgeries he had to undergo.  At first the transplanted posterior would hang down to his ankles but we were successful in tightening that up. He now has the ass of a swedish soccer player.  We also had to transplant nerve endings to give sensation to the area.  We had nurses take turns spanking him every night.  Brown said this helped him considerably.”

Brown’s  new transplanted posterior has been the talk of the medical world.  His butt has already been shown to Vice President Biden who called it “The most magnificent thing I have seen since I was hunting with Ernest Hemingway in Africa.”  Plans are afoot to put Brown on tour, showing off his new body part on television, with the ladies from “The View” being the first stop.

From the tribal region on the Pakistan/Afghanistan border, Osama Bin Laden declared in a taped statement that the transplanted body part is “An example of the infidel at his most ungodly.  Granted, it does look great. Much better than the goats around here, but I must not think about it!  This is an infidel trick!”

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