Declassified Memos Reveal Presence of Aliens at Area 51

Aliens partying in Area 51Despite decades of denial, recently declassified memos have given tantalizing clues about the existence of aliens at Area 51.  The memos cover a wide range from the mundane (how to find a conference room) to diet (aliens do  not like pizza) to the esoteric (the reality of interspecies love).

The first memo in the series documenting the existence of aliens released under the Freedom of Information Act is a rather uneventful one entitled “Document 7A:  Directions to conference room”:

Top secret.  Area 51.  To major [redacted] re:  conference regarding [redacted].  Will you be attending the conference in 9B?  If you haven’t been there, go down the main hallway until you get to the sign that says “Commissary”, and make a left.  It is important that you make a left as that will lead you to the conference room.  Do not make a right as that will bring you into the top secret holding area for captured aliens.  Bring pizza

The next memo, Document 18XC, deals with attempts to understand alien technology:

We believe we have discovered the underlying principle of propulsion in the alien spacecraft and will be testing it tomorrow with the following personnel [redacted].  Pizza will be available at the test site.

Document 19XC covers the results of this test:

Test not successful.  Pilot [redacted] pushed what we thought was the power button.  Button was the emergency eject instead.  Pilot [redacted] will be hospitalized with broken ribs and dislocated shoulder for several more days.  We are bringing pizza to his wife.  Aliens watching test laughed at result, called us a “bunch of korvakian cave lizards” and mooned us.  While we do not as of yet know the cultural context of being called korvakian cave lizard we believe it to be an insult.

Several memos deal with security breaches and behavioral problems with the captured aliens.  Document 35G starts out:

Memo:  To [redacted].  Who keeps bringing the aliens beer? I have been getting reports of loud music and raucous parties to all hours in the holding area. The [redacted] department will not clean up alien vomit.  We will have to use our mexican contractors for this.

Document 53F7A  directly addresses the dietary needs of the aliens:

Colonel [redacted].  Area 51.  I understand the aliens are on a hunger strike and keep asking for “stranglongian eel pies”.   I have no idea what they are or if we can even find an equivalent on Earth.  Give them pizza instead.  If the want toppings try pepperoni or sausage but under no circumstances pineapple.  You know how General [redacted] feels about pineapple on pizza.

This lead to the unfortunate “dinner incident” covered in Document 88B and which is quoted here:

What do you mean the aliens ate the mexicans?  Didn’t they like the pizza we gave them?

Perhaps the most intriguing memo deals with a request by one of the female guards for permission to bring an alien home to meet her father before moving in with him. Since interspecies love fell under the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy superiors reluctantly agreed to let the couple live together.  Document 95X3(S) tells the tale:

Sargeant [redacted] has asked permission to bring an alien home to meet her father.  She says they are in love and plan to move in together.  Sargeant  [redacted] further says that it is imperative that her father meet the alien as he is suspicious of her secretiveness and fears his daughter may be dating an Irishman.  Since the woman in question lives on base we do not see this as a security threat.  Suggest pizza as a housewarming gift.

President Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs says that the documents were released to show the new transparency of the Obama Administration and he hopes next to declassify memos relating to the use of robotic cheerleaders in professional football.


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