Carnivorous Vulgaris Shot, Killed by Federal Marshals

Wile E. Coyote chases after a Birdibus zippibusToday in Arizona Federal Marshals cornered, shot and killed a Carnivorous Vulgaris, commonly known to locals as Wile E. Coyote.

Shortly before 9 AM marshals received a tip that Wile  E. Coyote, one of the FBI’s most wanted, was seen on Interstate  10 near exit 17 chasing an Accerleratii Incredibus, also known as a “road runner”.  Marshals had been on the lookout for weeks for Coyote who was a federal fugitive charged with eating a protected species.

The story begins 10 years ago when the Federal Government added the road runner to its list of protected species with fines and possible imprisonment for capturing, eating or otherwise harming a road runner.  The impetus behind this law was that Arizona was seeing explosive development and many wanted to protect the environment and native species.  The road runner was prized locally for its beauty and peaceful nature.  Indeed the road runner had become such an integral part of the local economy that sightseeing tours were set up.  “Whale tours are popular in the East.  Well, we have no whales here.  It’s a desert but we found people would pay for a chance to see road runners” according to the founder of one of the tour groups.  As the tours gained in popularity special “road runner” lanes were set up on highways where the protected species could run along unmolested.  This would occasionally lead to traffic jams, particularly during mating season.  But as long as the money kept rolling in no one seemed to mind.

Unfortunately for Arizona’s economy the road runner had one natural predator – the Carnivorous Vulgaris.  “They started showing up and pouncing on the road runners, eating them along the side of the road.  This had a negative effect on the tour groups.  Children would cry.  Eventually people stopped coming to see the road runner.”

A series of Federal interventions cleared the land of the coyotes, except for one in particular.  “Everyone knew Wile E.  He was a pest and would sometimes jump on the hoods of cars and peer inside until he was convinced there were no road runners inside.”  After many such episodes, it was decided that Wile E. Coyote must be caught and killed

The Department of the Interior in cooperation with the FBI set up “Operation Catch the Carnivore”.  A dummy company called “The Acme Corporation” was created as part of the trap.  “We knew Wile E. was getting desperate for road runner meat.  An Acme mail order office was set up which sold him a couple dehydrated boulders, a rocket sled, jet powered roller skates and earthquake pills” states Special Agent in Charge, Nathan T. Gray.  An agent disguised as a road runner was chosen as bait and ordered to run along the interstate until Wile E. showed up.  For weeks the agent (who lost 25 pounds in the sting) ran up and down the interstate with no luck.  Then, today, Wile E. was finally spotted rummaging through a dumpster behind a Burger King.

“We had our agent put on his road runner costume one more time and off he went.”   Sure enough, Wile E. followed him at full speed.  He chased him as the agent lead him to the prearranged “kill zone” where FBI sharpshooters were waiting.  Once inside the zone all it took was one bullet to finish off Wile E. Coyote.  Local residents were ecstatic at the news that the dreaded Wile E. was dead.  “Now things will return to normal.  The tour groups will come back and business will improve” Said Yuma Mayor Larry K. Nelson.

As to what will happen to the road runners now that their one predator is gone, Mayor Nelson responded “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”


One Response

  1. Jane Doe says:

    I’m on the committee to make periplaneta fuliginosa a protected species.

    Periplaneta fuliginosa is delicious and a great source of protein so you might want to think about that.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>