Superman Tests Positive for Steroids

Forever tainted SupermanIn shocking news it was confirmed that Superman has tested positive for controlled substances.  The IBSSAAP (The International Board of Superheroes and Slightly Above Average People), the governing body of all superheroes announced the positive test today.

“Naturally we are disappointed at the result.  It taints the otherwise stellar career of one of the most beloved superheroes on Earth” said Ralph Stengel, Executive Head of the IBSSAAP.  Superman was immediately hit with a 50-day suspension and will be unable to perform any superhero activities during this time.  The substance that Superman tested positive for is the female fertility drug HCG, or human chorionic gonadotropin, a drug commonly used among steroid users because it mitigates the side effects of coming off steroids, including the lack of testosterone production.

Lois Lane, from her office in the Daily Planet could only chortle.  “Steroids eh?  Can’t say I’m surprised.  That explains the shriveled testicles and the inability to perform.”

From his top secret bat cave at 2235 Batman Avenue in Metropolis, Batman hoped that this test would be at wake up call to all superheroes.  “People are playing with their lives with this stuff.  And for what?  An extra edge when bringing down a bad guy?  I’ve never been on that stuff and never will” he said as he spread lotion on Robin’s back.  The Incredible Hulk told reporters “Steroids bad.  Make Hulk angry” before ripping off his tattered shirt.  Flash Gordon was quoted as saying:  “I stand behind my friend Superman in this difficult time.  I hope people will remember that we are only human.  Well, except for the ones from other planets.”

Superman’s positive test is the latest black eye for the association of superheroes, following closely upon Spiderman’s admission that he took steroids from 2001 to 2003.   Captain America said “People are getting cynical about superheroes now. They think we are all on steroids.  Well, we aren’t.  Some of us are clean and I resent this being called ‘The Steroid Era of Superheroes.’ “

Superman released a statement saying “I want to apologize to my friends and fellow superheroes.  On the advice of my doctor I took substances for a personal medical problem.  It was a mistake.  I will serve out my suspension and when I return I hope I can regain the trust of the people of Earth.  I should have trusted my natural superhero ability instead of using performance enhancers.”

Congress called for greater oversight of the superheroes.  “We hope to closely regulate them. Who knows what else these people might be doing.  Cocaine?  HGH?  Red licorice?  The madness must stop” said House speaker Nancy Pelosi.


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