God Talks! (About the Yankees and Red Sox Anyway)

Yankees celebrate another meaningless win“J.D. Drew takes it up the ass….doo dah.  doo dah…J.D Drew takes it up the ass all the doo dah day”

Being a Yankee fan, I am a man of tradition.  One of the most glorious traditions in Yankee history is that whomever happens to be playing right field for the opposing team will be heckled mercilessly by the bleacher creatures (section 39 OYS, Section 203 New Yankee Stadium).  Hence the aforementioned heckle against Mr. Drew.

Today I found myself at Yankee Stadium for my 2nd game of the year.  Coming into town to oppose the forces of decency were the Boston Red Sox.  And what does Boston do?  That’s right readers.  In case you forgot, Bahstahn sawks cack.  Unfortunately they also have an infuriating habit of beating the forces of decency.

During the 2 1/2 hour rain delay I had the opportunity to sit down and speak with God about this.  My first question to God was, “What’s up with the rain?  Are we going to get this game in or not?”   God responded, “Hey, I’m only God.  There are some things I cannot control like the weather, Brian Bruney’s elbow and AROD’s taste in women.”  I then asked God what he really thinks of Boston.  He would not say directly that he hates Boston but he did relate to me this anecdote:  As the rebellious angels were about to be banished from Heaven they were given a choice as to their destination.  Boston or Hell. To an angel they all chose Hell.  “Speaks volumes” God said dismissively.  I then asked him if perhaps he could work a miracle (since it was the 4th inning and the Yanks were down 4 -0).   “No can do.  I am a subtle God and try not to make my miracles too obvious.  My last obvious miracle was saving Star Trek from cancellation after its second season.  Oh, and that hot brunette chick you hooked up with in 2004.  That was a pretty obvious miracle.” As we were talking a man in a Red Sox jersey sitting behind us shouted “Hey God, down in front!”  I guess this was the wrong thing to do as God immediately pointed his finger at the man and said “I smite thee Boston fan”.   The fan exploded.  All that was left on his seat was stringy material that may have been a nerve.  Yankee Stadium security scooped up the material and put it in the Yankee Museum next to one of Reggie Jackson’s bats.  I finished up the interview with God by asking him what where his plans for the future. After all, he is 3 trillion years old but shows no signs of slowing down.  Has he thought of retirement?  God responded “Nope.  Why should I?  I love my job.  It’s good to be King.”  He then cut the interview short as he had to get up early tomorrow for a corporate function with Buddha.

But I digress. Onto the game. After a miserably cold and wet 2 1/2 hour rain delay the Yankees started their series against the forces of evil (AKA the Red Sox).  Eventually the Yankees figured they might as well play.  It was still raining when the tarp came off the field.  At this point my program was soaked and limper than John Holmes after a decade long coke binge.  No keeping score this game I guess.

Our starting pitcher Phil Hughes did not have it giving up 7 hits and 4 runs over 4 innings.  In keeping with Hughes Irish heritage, manager Joe Girardi sentenced him to 7 years transportation after the game and shipped him off to Australia.  Meanwhile Boston’s starter John Lester (he of the 5.11 ERA)  pitched 7 solid innings giving up 3 runs (courtesy of back to back homeruns by Johnny “shirtless interview man” Damon and Mark “I’d like to thank the Yankee fans for their patience while I suck” Teixeira) while striking out 10. Teixeira went into this game not even able to find the interstate batting .182 though hopefully he is showing signs of coming out of it with a 2 home run game.

For Yankee fans the excitement came when Joe Girardi was thrown out of the game in the 5th inning by home plate umpire Jerry Meals.  Mr. Meals was found after the game floating face down in the Harlem River.  Girardi disclaims all responsibility for this tragic event.

Is it just me or does the new Yankee public address announcer sound like Peter Graves after one too many bong hits?  Just curious.

The glimmer twins (Cano and Cabrera) both went 0-4.  Jeter once again proved he is a defensive liability and committed an error that eventually brought in a Red Sox run.  Nothing wrong with growing old Jete, but it’s time to move to the outfield.

The experiment of beer in the bleachers I said would last until the Red Sox came to town.  Sure enough the bleachers were surly and ejections were coming faster than reasons to despise John Edwards. The alcohol did provide the best heckle of the night.  A well dressed and inebriated women in the row behind me shouted at a Sox fan as the cops took him away, “Bye bye…..I know you’re a Red Sox fan but I’d still f— you” before gyrating in a way that made me want to tip her.

Reader mail:  R.L of Los Angeles California writes “Where can I buy a personal massager with a Yankee logo?”  That’s a disturbing question.  But try the Yankee team store.  They have everything.

A.K. also of L.A but frequently of  Washington D.C. writes “Sometimes when I have men tied up in my place I have to gag them because their screams disrupt my zone of zen when I’m watching the Yankees.  Is this normal?”   Perfectly normal A.K. No one wants their Yankee zen zone interrupted.  For any reason!

L.K. of New Jersey writes “I like to hang out in the woods and play my banjo.  Any chance I can get Derek Jeter to visit me?” Well, Derek does have a purdy mouth.

Anyway, my record this year at Yankee games stands at 1-1.  My next game will be Tuesday May 19th against the Baltimore “We’re like Philadelphia but without the glamour” Orioles.  Go Yankees!



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