Bacchus to Enter Rehab

Bacchus, Roman God of Wine and Intoxication in an unguarded momentBacchus, Roman God of wine and intoxication has announced that he is entering rehab.  “After much thought and deliberation I have made the painful decision that it is time to make a change in my life” the statement reads.  “I’m 3000 years old and I just cannot party like I’m 2000 anymore.  I cannot continue to punish my body like this.”

Sources close to the Roman God say that a series of recent embarrassing incidents forced Bacchus to make the change.  “It just wasn’t fun for him anymore.  It used to be that being the God of Wine and Intoxication has perks if you know what I mean.  But lately when he visits college campuses the kids just look upon him as a dirty old man” says one friend.  “And after he got sloppy drunk on television and told Suzy Kolber that he wanted to kiss her he realized he had become a sad parody of himself.  Then there was the time after a hard night of partying he woke up  next to Clay Aiken and Chewbacca in a seedy motel room in Highland New York.”

Also factoring into the decision was the change in attitude towards a festival dedicated to”sexual and criminal” excess.  “Look this isn’t the ’80s anymore. Lots of towns would not give Bacchus a permit to hold spring break festivities.  The tax payers in the these towns were tired of kids passed out on their lawn, tired of cleaning up vomit on their front porches, tired of paying overtime for cops to control the crowds.”

Recent studies have shown that towns hosting spring break have been seen a 75% spike in crime.  “Last year some kid drove up onto my lawn, threw up on my dog and then tried to make out with my grandmother.  She’s 93 for God’s sake. All the time this Bacchus dude was by the car egging him on.  He kept saying ‘You know she wants it.’  I haven’t been so outraged and disgusted since the last time the Red Sox won the World Series.  I had to get my shotgun and shoot the kid in the groin” complains one resident of Ft. Lauderdale Florida.

Such complaints are typical and have increased resentment against Bacchus.  “One time I was bowling with my team and these drunk college kids came in, grabbed my bowling ball and took turns asking all the women if they wanted to ‘rub their big balls’.  I’m no prude we have several Presbyterians on our team and they were quite offended.  Bacchus was there the entire time, drinking cans of Bud and crushing them against his head.  I expect better behavior from someone his age.”

As a result of the ensuing bad publicity Bacchus lost his corporate sponsorship and saw his insurance rates double.  Bacchus expects to be in rehab for 6 to 8 weeks.  Upon completing the program he intends to start a series of alcohol-free events where people of all ages can go to have a “constrained good time.”

“I’d like to thank my friends and family for standing by me in this difficult time.  I know I face challenges ahead and I am looking forward to turning the page and entering upon a new chapter in my life.” Bacchus told reporters at a press conference before his departure to the Land of Sobriety and Personal Responsibility Wellness Center in Omaha.

Though many are skeptical a Bacchus insider told anyone who would listen, “I think he can do it.  Hey if Aerosmith can, anyone can!”


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