Browsing the blog archives for November, 2009
Oprah Winfrey has announced that in 2011 she will step down from her popular talk show to concentrate on “using my Divine powers to rule the universe and make it bend to my will.” In a press conference attended by various angels and archangels Oprah said it was time for a change. “I’ve been thinking […]
With Thanksgiving yet again upon us millions of Americans with carbon footprints that are too large will get into fuel-consuming cars and planes to eat slaughtered animals. “This so-called Holiday is not a holiday for native Americans” said Joseph Wheeler, author of the book “Thanksgiving is Bad and I’m Smarter Than You.” “It is a […]
In a stunning admission of past faults, Paul McCartney has apologized to fans, friends and music lovers everywhere for the mullet he wore after the Beatles breakup. “What is there to say. The Beatles had just broken up. I was hurting and decided to cut off the symbol of that band – the hair. But […]
The Department of Homeland Security has upgraded its threat assessment level, citing an alarming rise in extremism among turkeys. “Frankly we are very worried that an incident may happen” said Janet Napolitano, Department Secretary. With the Thanksgiving Holiday approaching, Department officials are worried about increasing reports of wild turkeys congregating on street corners. “Many of […]
780 A.D. (or is that C.E.?) From their Norse homeland came word that the Vikings, worried about the Earth’s declining resources and the scourge of climate change have decided that in the future pillaging will be strictly limited. “I had just burned an entire village to the ground” says the Viking Ivar the Boneless. “And […]
Fresh off the departure of Anita Dunn the White House has announced that RoboCop will be their new Communications Director. “We needed someone who had experience dealing with the public as well as someone with a strong message. RoboCop fulfills both these needs” said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. RoboCop was then introduced. Stepping to the […]
Maxie a four-year old German Shepard in the prime of his dog life invaded Poland, wreaking havoc, killing wildlife, destroying farmland and, in violation of all Geneva Convention protocols, impregnating the local dog population. Maxie’s invasion of Poland began shortly before 4:40 AM when he entered the town of Weilun. “We awoke to growling. I […]
Police today responded to a report of a cake deliberately left out in the rain. “We received a call stating that what appeared to be a cake had been left out in the rain” said Detective James MacArthur. “Naturally we were a little suspicious of the call. After all, why would a cake be left […]
December 7th 1941: The Japanese today launched a devastating attack against the Navy at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii. First reports indicate that many battleships have been sunk and that lives of American servicemen have been lost. President Roosevelt was told of the attack shortly before a scheduled meeting with representatives of Indian tribes. Roosevelt opened […]
Husan Abdul Tariq used to love listening to music on his iPhone. Then Al Quaeda cracked down. “Our ringtones now have to be a muslim cleric reading a verse from the Koran” complains Tariq. “F—–g sucks if you ask me. I just want to kill westerners and listen to Rock and Roll.” Ali Mahamed Yusof […]